Repercussions
by imgoingtocallyoufern
Summary: His eyes glazed over, and Kensi knew that he was just gone. Hollowed out of all emotion like an empty shell. [Post 5x01, Ascension]
1. Silent Healer

Having drinks with the entire team didn't feel nearly as normal as anyone had hoped it would. Deeks was quiet for the full extent of the evening, allowing everyone else to talk in circles around him.

Rarely did he chime in with some sarcastic comment, or show any sort of genuine laughter when Sam or Callen cracked a joke. Every so often Kensi would catch her partner staring off at the ground, almost mindlessly. His eyes glazed over, and she knew that he was just _gone_. Hollowed out of all emotion like an empty shell.

The group was out for just an hour, maybe an hour fifteen. To say that the day had been emotionally taxing would've been to underestimate the situation entirely.

Altogether, they walked out to the street. Callen and Sam said their goodbyes, short and gruff as usual. They didn't make any sort of a crack about Deeks though, which was definitely a different and rather pleasant change to see.

Kensi stayed where she was, feet planted to the ground even after Callen and Sam were entirely out of sight. She didn't know what to do or say- as it was just the two of them standing about two feet apart in a dimly lit and empty parking lot, but in that moment Kensi really couldn't have asked for anything more.

She made no move toward him, and didn't say a single word. But watching him be so unlike himself at the bar wasn't something Kensi was going to ignore.

Deeks folded his arms before looking up to meet Kensi's gaze- she was just staring at him, trying to figure out what might possibly be the right thing to say. They were alone, and for once there wasn't anybody around who might possibly try to interrupt- so Kensi just said what was on her mind.

"Deeks…" She couldn't even get a single word out before her voice cracked. "We should talk."

His face morphed into a grimace. "I'm not sure what to say Kens."

"Then let me talk."

Deeks weakly gestured one hand out in front of himself, giving her the floor.

"I just thought you should know that I really am sorry. About everything."

Kensi shook her head, biting her lower lip in an attempt to stifle the tears. "You were right there, in front of me, _hurting. _And I did nothing. I did nothing, and I should have done _something-_ I should've helped you, I should've untied you… and I'm sorry."

Deeks looked away but Kensi could still see him swallow, his adam's apple bobbing- and she was sure that even such a small movement was exceedingly painful.

"I know you are."

It was the first time Kensi had heard him speak directly at her in hours, and his voice wasn't clear in the slightest. It was filled with tones of fear, sadness and uncertainty, which was painful for Kensi to hear.

"I really just want you to know that I'm here for you." She sucked her lips into her mouth, shaking her head. "Anything you need."

Deeks winced and looked up from the ground. "I think I'm, um…." Deeks couldn't even utter all of his words into one full sentence before his voice broke. "I think I'm gonna go home, Kens. I think I need to go home."

The worry was evident in her eyes, every ounce of hurt written out plainly across her face.

Deeks was a grown man though, and there was very little she could do to stop him from walking away.

"Okay." She muttered the words through gritted teeth. "If that's what you need."

He nodded, turning around and walking awkwardly towards his car. It seemed as if Deeks was uncomfortable in his body, like somehow he just needed to escape from his own mind.

Even more tears were prickling at Kensi's eyes as Deeks began to walk away, and she spit out his name again before she could find the strength to stifle herself.

"Deeks?"

"Yeah."

He stopped and turned around quickly, scratching the back of his head- clearly uncomfortable. Deeks had hoped to just escape like that, and not have to see her cry anymore. It was genuinely painful to watch, and every time the tears began pooling in her eyes, they did the exact same in his.

She cleared her throat, hoping to speak without stuttering and stammering over her words.

"I'm glad that I was able to help," Kensi said, her eyes stinging with fresh tears. "Even if I wasn't there, I'm glad that I could do something to… ease the pain."

Deeks turned his body to face her completely, mouth falling open just the slightest bit at her words.

She closed her eyes for a moment, hoping that the small movement might make the tears subside- it didn't work.

"I just wanted you to know that everything you said back at OSP… it's worth a lot." She put her hands in the pockets of her blue jeans, eyes focusing in on the painful lacerations that cluttered his face.

Taking two slow and slow and uneven steps in his direction, she continued on. "It's worth a hell of a lot more than you gave it credit for."

"Good." Deeks' voice was nearly gone by that point, his eyes wet with tears. "Because it really was the only thing that got me through."

Deeks showed her something that very faintly resembled a smile before he turned and walked away again, but the expression was clearly fabricated.

And just like that, he was gone- walking away from her swiftly and with a sense of purpose, like Deeks had some place that he needed to be in a rush.

But Kensi knew far better than to believe that was actually true.

. . .

Two weeks later, Kensi awoke and continued the same morning routine that she'd become all too accustomed to. She pulled herself out of bed and automatically reached over towards her bedside table, grabbing her cell phone in the hopes that her partner might have left her a text or a voicemail, something to let her know that he was still breathing.

But as always- there was _nothing._ Not a single word. Deeks had said that he was just going to take a few weeks off, but it sure as hell felt like he had quit.

Starting every day with that much pain and agony wasn't good for Kensi's psyche, but it honestly couldn't be helped.

Deeks had never said goodbye to her, but he didn't have to. The goodbye was evident in his lack of communication, and it was the most painful farewell Kensi had ever faced. Surprisingly though, it wasn't their last conversation that kept her up at night and filled her thoughts- it was the flurry of flashbacks that followed it.

In one long, treacherous day, Deeks had told her everything he needed to; he'd said and done all the right things.

But just as she'd felt something undoubtedly strong, just as she'd gotten a small taste of what could be, it was ripped away from her- and Kensi was desperate to get it back.

But above all else, Kensi just needed Deeks. She needed to be in his presence, to see his face, to know that he was alive. So when she looked outside and saw clear blue skies, ones that were the exact same color as her partner's eyes, Kensi knew exactly what she needed to do.

Still clutching her cell phone, Kensi dialed Callen's number. It rang only twice before she could hear his voice coming through the other end of the line.

"Kensi?"

"Yeah, hey. I was wondering if you could tell Hetty that I'm taking the day off?"

There was a short silence, but it was filled rather quickly. "Sure… is everything alright?"

Kensi sighed, looking out the window. "It will be."

. . .

"Deeks?" Kensi yelled as she pounded one fist on her partner's door. "Deeks, _please _open up! I know you're in there!"

She'd tried knocking at first, but that had gotten her nowhere, so eventually she'd resorted to yelling.

Kensi heard what sounded like movement coming from inside, but it didn't make her stop knocking on the door. If anything, it just made her pound harder.

"Deeks! Please, _please,_ just open up!

The door was flung open swiftly and unexpectedly, causing Kensi to nearly fell forward through the threshold.

Before her stood her partner- or at least the body of her partner. His face looked stuffy and unshaven, eyes red and slightly swollen. She knew that Deeks was still in there, hidden somewhere, but for the time being she couldn't see him.

Kensi immediately quieted once she saw his face- there was no hint of anger for her rude knocking, just a strong, overpowering sense of sadness looming in his eyes.

"May I please come in for a minute?" Her voice was a whisper, her tone pleading.

Deeks swallowed hard as he stared at her face, moving one arm up to lean on the doorway. "I really don't know what more I can say, Kens."

Rarely was Kensi susceptible to other people's emotions, but with Deeks it was different. His pain was palpable, not at all subtle.

He was killing her, really. Just gutting her from the inside out.

"Please?"

Deeks stepped aside when he saw tears brewing in her eyes- seeing Kensi cry wasn't something that Deeks dealt with easily.

She took two steps inside, taking in her shockingly messy surroundings. Deeks was notorious for being a clean freak, but his house was in shambles.

It wasn't the untidiness that nearly sent Kensi over the edge though. Her heart nearly tore in two right there on the spot as she saw three filing boxes, filled to the brim with random case notes, papers, and trinkets from his desk at OSP laying on the ground in his living room.

Kensi honestly hadn't realized that Deeks had taken all of his things when he'd left for what was supposed to be a temporary absence, and the shock of it was nearly debilitating.

She couldn't let her mind dwell on that for long though. Kensi quickly turned around as Deeks shut the door, resting his hands uncomfortably against his hipbones.

"How have you been?" Kensi phrased it as a question, but she already knew the answer.

Deeks folded his arms, fidgeting where he stood. "About as good as you'd expect."

There was a short-lived silence before Kensi just had to voice what was on her mind. "You haven't called, Deeks. I didn't know if you were dead or alive."

He shrugged, an overwhelming amount of pain in his eyes. "I'm still here. Barely… but I'm still here."

The word _barely_ replayed over and over again in her mind. "You can't just shut me out completely. After everything that's happened…" Kensi trailed off and looked down to the ground, but quickly regrouped. "You can't just disappear."

Deeks took two steps towards her, feeling exceedingly poor as he took in her condition.

"You don't know how many times I've almost called you over these past few weeks."

Tears were flowing down Kensi's cheeks, and she quickly brought one hand up to wipe them away. "Why didn't you just do it?"

"Because I'm broken."

She despised the simple bluntness of that statement.

"That's not true."

"It is, and I honestly don't know what to do anymore." He looked around and tried chuckling lightly, in exactly the same manor he'd done back at OSP two weeks prior. It wasn't a laugh though, it was just a sound. One that held little or no happy meaning whatsoever.

Deeks stared out the window, shaking his head. "I try to go outside, go surfing, be normal again, but then everything comes back to me and I just…. I just can't-"

Kensi couldn't stand it any longer. Her vision was blurry and her knees were weak as she closed the gap between them entirely, her face a mere six inches from his.

"And that's fine, Deeks," she whispered. "For the time being that's_ fine_. Nobody expects you to be okay instantly."

"But Sam-"

"Sam's trained for this! He's been buried alive, thrust into war zones and in countless situations that were far worse than what you two went through. It's strange, but for him it's just another part of the job."

Deeks was silent, holding full eye contact with Kensi as she spoke.

"But we're not trained for this Deeks." She made a point of saying _we,_ because it was entirely true. He wasn't alone- and Kensi wanted to make that fact known.

"I don't know Kens," he whispered, his eyes breaking away from hers. "Right now… I'm just not so sure I can be a cop anymore."

Deeks had yet to say that statement aloud to Kensi, and it forced her heart to lurch up into her throat. Those were the words she'd expected to hear at some point, but nevertheless had feared the most.

"You are the best cop I know, and the best partner I could ever ask for. So whether or not you think that you're broken- I still need you."

Deeks reached one hand up and wiped a stray tear off Kensi's cheek as she continued on.

"I am right here Deeks. I'm here for whatever you need. So if you're sad, than just cry. If you're angry, about anything, than you can take it out on me, because I can handle it."

Her voice cracked, but she pressed on regardless.

"If you're hurt, or upset, or mad, just tell me why and I'll listen. But I can't afford to loose you Deeks. I just _can't_."

Deeks swallowed the lump that was growing in his throat, eyes and cheeks damp.

"I can't loose you either, Kens."

She closed her eyes, but a few more tears still managed to escape.

"Then let me in, okay? Let me help you. You can't do this alone."

Deeks showed her a genuine smile, the kind that Kensi had been picturing in her mind for weeks.

"Okay," he stated simply, running one hand over her hair and pushing a small section of it behind her ear. "You're right."

Kensi exhaled, and for the first time in weeks it felt as if she could actually breathe.

"So what can I do?"

Deeks cleared his throat, reaching one hand down to intertwine his fingers with hers.

"You're here, Kens. That's enough."


	2. Solid Ground

**Thank you for all of the kind reviews, I've decided to continue this, at least for a few more chapters! We pick up right where we left off.**

**Please let me know what you think! :)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

_"So what can I do?"_

_Deeks cleared his throat, reaching one hand down to intertwine his fingers with hers._

_"You're here, Kens. That's enough."_

She was completely uncertain whether she should kiss him, hug him, or just say silent. Kensi knew that she wanted to choose the first option more than most anything else in the world, but it seemed rather inappropriate for that moment in time- so she decided to save the gesture for another day.

"Is it really enough though?" Kensi asked, desperately wanting to do something more to him. Something that would help ease the pain.

He shrugged, teary eyed. "It always has been."

Suddenly and without warning, Kensi could hardly breathe. She swallowed hard, her voice getting caught up somewhere in between her chest and her throat. His tone sounded so desperate, so pleading, so _sad_. She didn't even know what to do with herself, or how to hold in the flurry of overwhelmingly powerful emotions that filled her entire body.

Knowing that she was enough for Deeks was at the same time heart warming and heart wrenching. It felt as if Deeks was just telling her that if she was there, he'd be okay. So although she was there then, standing in front of her partner, she hadn't been by his side for two whole weeks. And the agony of that fact was killing her.

"I'll just stay right here then," she stated simply, sure that any further words wouldn't make it out of her mouth.

Without another spoken word Kensi gingerly pulled him towards the couch- she felt like her knees would buckle beneath her if she had to remain standing any longer.

She tearfully smiled when he sat down next to her, and for the first time in weeks the expression had actually been genuine. Kensi had just been floating through life without him- nothing holding any true meaning.

Every day she'd kept looking for some sort of a notation, or some sign that might have let her know that eventually life would start looking up again; that one day, they'd be whole.

But being there, again, with Deeks- it felt right. And Kensi couldn't have been more grateful that he was going to let her in.

She became lost in his eyes for a lingering moment- they had so much to tell her. They were filled with a sense of regret, loss, and over whelming pain that just wouldn't disappear.

It wasn't the Deeks that she knew, the man whose eyes were always bright and sparkling, shining with the light and love that he brought into the world. No, they were different. _He_ was different, and in that moment Kensi silently promised herself that she'd do whatever it took to get the old Deeks back.

She strongly considered saying something more, but it looked like Deeks was searching for the right thing to say. So rather than filling the silence, she just _waited._

Although it took him a moment, the words eventually came to Deeks. He was slow and painstaking in his delivery, but he was talking- and that was all that Kensi could ask for.

"I still don't know what it's gonna take-" he cleared his throat, sniffling back a few tears. "-to make the memories leave. I just can't get away from them."

Kensi felt sick to her stomach; a lasting blaze of uncertainty burning furiously in her eyes. Hesitant as of what to say, she eventually decided that honesty was the best policy in that situation.

"I don't know what it's going to take either."

Deeks looked up from his lap, eyes glossy as he peered off into nothingness.

"I don't eat much at all. I can't sleep. Most nights I'll just wake up in a cold sweat, everything around me just disappears and all I can hear is the sound of that drill."

Deeks' voice cracked as he swallowed past the lump that was growing in his throat.

"Even when I try to tell myself that it's not real, that I'm just hallucinating, I still can't get away from it. It consumes me."

Kensi had no words to fill the silence so she just squeezed his hand tighter, disturbed and trying to comfort both her partner and herself.

"I can't escape it Kens. It's so stupid. Everywhere I go, it just… follows me."

His words were haunting. The only thing that filled her head was the sound of his words, everything else taking a back seat to their unadulterated persistence.

Kensi shook her head, sucking in an unsteady deep breath.

"It's not stupid. Not at all. You went through something traumatic, something that hardly anyone will ever have to experience. So don't try and blame yourself, because it's entirely normal to feel the way that you do."

Deeks' head shot up, his tone sounding almost annoyed. Not annoyed with Kensi, just annoyed at the situation in front of him.

"Yeah, maybe. But what if I don't want this to be my normal? What if I don't want to live like this?"

Kensi exhaled, her breathing shaky. "You can't play that game in your head. What's done is done. All we can do is try to move forward."

He chuckled uneasily. "That's so much easier said than done."

Kensi held his gaze, fierce and strong on the outside, though on the inside she was trembling.

"I know."

Deeks raised his eyebrows.

Her confident front faltered. "Okay, maybe I don't know. But the least I can do is try to empathize with you. Try to put myself in your shoes. Maybe carry some of the weight."

His eyes became misty, and suddenly Deeks was giving Kensi the exact same look he had showed her back at OSP.

"I really don't think you want to do that, Kens."

His statements were becoming increasingly blunt with the passing time.

Kensi shuddered, a single tear spilling over her eyelid and running down her cheek. His grief was rapidly becoming Kensi's grief as well, as she honestly couldn't help but pile it onto herself.

"You're right. I'm sure that I don't."

Her posture suffered as she leaned even farther forward, elbows resting on her knees.

"But regardless, I'm not sure you realize how brave you were back there. And how brave you're being now."

"Well it sure as hell doesn't feel like it." He dropped her hand and rubbed his eyes, shaking his head. "I can't do anything even remotely normal. I don't think that qualifies as being brave- it actually seems pretty cowardly to me."

Kensi cocked her head to one side and tried to make eye contact with Deeks- but he was just staring down at his hands, fidgeting incessantly. Never had she seen him look more vulnerable, or more scared.

"Do you even realize what you did for them? You saved Michelle's life. You didn't even know her. She's Sam's wife, so of course he was never going to give her up, no matter what."

Kensi shook her head, her voice softening even more as she spoke.

"But you just did it because it's who you are. You could have given her up, and you might not have had to go through the hell that you experienced- but you didn't take the easy way out. You were _tortured _to save the life of someone that you hardly even know, Deeks. And I'm not sure I would've been strong enough to do what you did."

Deeks lifted his eyes upon hearing that last sentence exit Kensi's mouth, but she continued on.

"So _please_ don't try to tell me that you're being cowardly, because that is so far from the truth."

His bottom lip was quivering, and Deeks was totally and completely unable to speak without his voice breaking.

"It just feels like I'm _drowning_, Kens."

The crying all but overpowered her as Deeks let out that simple yet heart wrenching sentence, a new tear popping up and streaming down her cheek every couple of seconds. For a moment, it felt like she was drowning too; like she'd never be able to make it out of the rough waters her and Deeks were wading in.

It was his hand though- soft and slowly moving, that pulled her out before she could sink beneath the crashing waves of her own tears. Deeks reached down and wiped a water droplet off her cheek, then another, and then one more.

"You aren't drowning, Deeks. I won't let you." She lifted her head to stare fiercely at her partner, eyes dancing around his face. "Because if you go down, I'm going with you. No doubt in my mind."

Deeks slowly opened and closed his eyes, heart tearing at her words.

"I won't let you drown, Kens."

She grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly and not letting go.

"And I'll do the exact same for you."

He exhaled, and asked Kensi a very meaningful question, one that held much more weight than it seemed to.

"Promise?"

Kensi's lap was completely damp with tears, and she trembled at how small Deeks looked in front of her.

"I promise."

When Kensi made that vow - she meant it. She'd never let him go, never let deal with the pain and heartache alone.

Beautiful and terrible things had happened to them over the years, but she couldn't be afraid. Kensi just had to charge on, and continue to be his solid ground.


	3. All We Are

**Y'all are so wonderful to me, really and truly. You never fail to make me smile with your reviews! I would love to hear what direction you'd all like me to take this story, as I want to write what _you _want to read. Although I have a pretty good idea as to where I'm going to take this, I'm still open to suggestions!**

**Please review as always! :)**

******P.S. I changed my username on here- it's now imgoingtocallyoufern, which matches my name on tumblr! YAY! :D**

**-Hazel**

* * *

_"Promise?"_

_Kensi's lap was completely damp with tears, and she trembled at how small Deeks looked in front of her._

_"I promise."_

_When Kensi made that vow - she meant it. She'd never let him go, never let deal with the pain and heartache alone._

_Beautiful and terrible things had happened to them over the years, but she couldn't be afraid. Kensi just had to charge on, and continue to be his solid ground._

As they stared at one another, Kensi knew that she wouldn't have the strength to force herself to leave Deeks' house and head to OSP. Acting like everything was right in the world when it wasn't didn't bode well for her intellect, with had been severely damaged by their conversation.

She just couldn't pull herself up off the couch and try to push away from all the carefully crafted sentences, all the heartbreak, all the lust, all the _love_. The latter may have been unspoken, sure, but it was still just lingering there, the tricky situation somehow making it even more apparent than it was on a typical day.

The idea of leaving Deeks to his own devices, all alone with his thoughts was a frightening idea to Kensi, and certainly not a move that she held in her repertoire.

So rather than driving to work just so she could sit impatiently in her desk while her mind dwelled on her partner's well being, Kensi decided that it was a much better plan to just let Callen tell Hetty that she was taking the day off- the situation definitely warranted it, and she was certain their fearless leader would understand.

They sat together in silence for around two more minutes, each holding the other's hand as well as their steady gaze. It wasn't necessary for Kensi to speak, really- by that point spoken words would be pointless, just inane sentences to fill the time.

No- silence was good, at least for a short little while. They'd become pretty talented when it came to speaking solely with their eyes, and in that moment Kensi had never been so happy to possess a single skill.

Deeks didn't have to painstakingly comb through his own damaged intellect just to tell Kensi how he was feeling- she could just look at him and_ know._

Being certain as of how to make him feel better though: that was an entirely different story. Putting bandages over his wounds was a good place to start, but making the scars fade away was a much more trying task.

She had no idea how to even begin trying to put his mind at ease. But after they'd been just sitting together for a couple of minutes, enjoying one another's company,_ which had been lost for a few weeks,_ Kensi had come so painstakingly close to just leaning in and kissing him without a second thought. Truth, love, and kindness seemed like the perfect concoction of medicine, one that would cure most any type of pain- even pain as taxing and fierce as his.

If she made the move and Deeks wasn't ready though, then the situation would just become worse rather than better. It had to be his idea, as Kensi didn't want to put them both in place that would only make it harder for him to improve and keep charging forward.

So although the move felt right in her heart, it didn't in her head- especially with how tense everything had been between them up until only about thirty minutes prior. Still though, in that moment, as Deeks' eyes pierced into hers, Kensi strongly considered showing a blatantly large amount of disregard for both of their sorrows and just _going for it_.

Kensi swallowed down the lump that was still lodged in her throat, dropping her eyes away from his and glancing around the room, searching for something that might pull her back towards sanity- because Kensi knew that if she stared at Deeks for too much longer than she was going to kiss him, strongly doubting her own abilities to stifle her feelings.

Though she tried hard, as Kensi peered around the room she found nothing that seemed important enough to bring up, nothing that would pull her away from the strong wave of emotions that she was feeling towards the man who sat in front of her.

The only thing that her mind was allowing her to process were the words "_I love you,"_ which replayed over and over again in Kensi's mind. She'd been holding onto them for years, and it seemed like her own subconscious was trying to force her into divulging that pivotal information to Deeks before he was even necessarily ready to hear it.

She didn't have the slightest idea how he'd respond, especially after their heartbreaking conversation in the bullpen two weeks prior. Kensi's seemingly trivial question _"And everyone?"_ was one that she'd never actually received a verbalized answer to, but judging solely by the look on her partner's face Kensi had guessed at what he'd been thinking pretty easily. Deeks needed _time. _

So despite the strong urge Kensi internalized the words, instead looking out the window and finally finding something to say; something that seemed rather fitting for the moment.

"So... what do you wanna do, Deeks?"

"Huh?"

He'd been studying her face for the full stretch of silence, even as she turned away, so when Kensi finally spoke her words were definitely successful in pulling Deeks out of his trance.

Kensi looked back over to her partner, a faint smile tugging at the corners of her lips despite the fact that her eyes were still red and glossy.

"I don't know Deeks… you said that you can't do anything normal." Kensi shrugged, raising and dropping both of her hands back to her lap, five of her fingers still intertwined with Deeks'. "Maybe if went somewhere, or did something, and you had someone by your side it would seem… like the way things used to be."

Truthfully though, even as she spoke, only a part of Kensi wanted things to go back to the way things used to be. Back before the case with Siderov, before the torture, before the mess began, Deeks and Kensi's relationship had been rocky, to say the very least.

Each and every day that they spent together was cluttered with unspoken words, trepidation, and a strong scent of lust that filled every room they entered together. She wanted the 'new' old Deeks again- the exact same guy who had finally gotten up the courage to release all of his pent up emotions into a lingering yet somehow frantic kiss on that one fateful morning, before they were all thrust head first into a living hell.

Deeks smiled at her request, and it was the first time all day that the expression had seemed even remotely genuine.

"Yeah, sure. That sounds…" Kensi turned her head back towards Deeks as he spoke, and he paused momentarily before finishing his reply. "Good. That sounds good."

"Good." Kensi said, nodding as the tears that had previously ravaged her cheeks began drying.

Deeks shook his head just the tiniest bit before relinquishing his grip on Kensi's hand and dropping his eyes down to the floor, half of his face pulled up into a crooked smile.

Kensi blushed and slowly stood up from the couch so Deeks might miss the involuntary bodily function. She was entirely unsure of the reasoning behind his expression, and couldn't help but wonder if she'd said something wrong.

Kensi wasn't going to ask about it though, as that would most likely bring up a topic of discussion that wasn't necessarily appropriate for that day. But regardless, seeing Deeks smile at her was something that Kensi been waiting and hoping for, and she appreciated the gesture more than he could ever possibly know.

Deeks stood up to match her height and made a surprise move, one that Kensi never could've seen coming. Leaning down and closing the small distance between them Deeks pressed his lips to the top of her head, lingering nearby for a long moment and allowing the smile to leave his face as his expression grew serious once again.

"Thank you, Kens," he said, moving away slowly so that when Kensi lifted her head their noses were just a wink apart. "Thank you for being here. For being _you._"

Kensi was momentarily paralyzed by his words, but mostly by that small, minuscule movement. She just couldn't internalize the look of shock that was now readily apparent on her face.

Still, Kensi swallowed, furrowing her eyebrows and stuttering over her words just once before formulating something of an intelligible response.

"Well… of course. I'd never let you do any of this alone. You're my partner."

Deeks' throat tightened as he thought for a beat, heart racing as he prepared to finally release the words that had been sitting on the tip of his tongue for years.

"Is that all we are?"

Kensi's vision turned sideways, the world spinning around her. The only thing that kept both her feet planted to the ground was Deeks' warm hand against her flesh. He moved it up towards Kensi's face, cupping her cheek gingerly in his hand.

She didn't dare to utter a single word as Deeks' eyes just danced around her face, but instead let out a small and barely audible gasp, her body almost entirely removed of the ability to breathe.

"Because Kens…" Deeks shook his head, taking half a step more towards her. "I don't think I can go back to that again."

Kensi was sure of what he meant, but still desired the confirmation.

"Go back to what?" She asked in a hushed tone, her question a small and barely audibly whisper.

Deeks' swallowed, his eyes finally settling to focus solely on hers.

"Just partners."


	4. Becoming Clearer

**You guys are _fabulous, _I really can't say it enough. Thank you for the reviews, the follows, the favorites... everything. You really make me want to write!**

**Please review as always! =)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

_"Because Kens…" Deeks shook his head, taking half a step more towards her. "I don't think I can go back to that again."_

_Kensi was sure of what he meant, but still desired the confirmation._

_"Go back to what?" She asked in a hushed tone, her question a small and barely audibly whisper._

_Deeks' swallowed, his eyes finally settling to focus solely on hers._

_"Just partners."_

Kensi had anticipated what his response might be, but hearing those words still managed to make her heart turn into a fluttering mess and force her breathing to practically cease altogether.

Deeks stopped moving, stopping speaking, and basically stopped blinking as he awaited a reply, not wanting to miss a single second of what he hoped would be coming next.

"Is that a promise, Deeks?" Kensi whispered, her voice nearly breaking. "Because once you say that, once I'm yours… I am _yours, _Deeks. No take backs."

Deeks exhaled somewhat, his heart still beating at a nearly supersonic rate. He furrowed his eyebrows and moved one of his hands to rest behind Kensi's neck, placing the other one on the small of her back. His touch just felt warm and strong and _right._

"It's a promise."

Before Kensi could mutter a single word in reply Deeks pulled her into a kiss, creating a pace that she was eager to match.

His hands came together and found her back, then her shoulders, then the crook of her neck, and he pulled her as close as he possibly could.

That kiss was so much different than the first that they'd shared together. It was mutual. It was real. It was _expected, _as well as reciprocated.

That moment was a perfect respite, one that took Kensi away from both of their pain and frustration. She knew that eventually they would have to put themselves back into the real world, but Kensi didn't want to… not yet anyways. That was her happy place- wrapped up in Deeks' arms, and she never wanted it to be any other way.

Breathlessly pressing his forehead to hers, Deeks was the first to speak. "Wait, Kens…"

Kensi didn't want him to stop kissing her, she never would. Granted there was still a lingering tension in the air, but she didn't think it was a good enough excuse to separate themselves. In that moment, Kensi didn't want to deal with it. She wanted to _escape_ from it.

Feeling unsure of what more Deeks could have left to say, Kensi just paused with her mouth slightly ajar, the tips of their noses still touching. She could sense the frantic quest that Deeks' mind was on as he tried to locate the right words, and waited for him to fill the silence.

"I just... I worry that I'm pulling you into this."

Her heart dropped. And there they were, back at square one again.

In some ways it seemed almost progressive that Deeks was telling her how he felt- it was something of a change, one that couldn't go unacknowledged.

But of course, Kensi would've preferred to have the best of both worlds: for her partner to stop running, _and _stop holding his tongue. Both were highly necessary for a successful partnership, relationship… or whatever else it was that they were getting themselves into.

Kensi wouldn't allow Deeks to put any distance between them, so she kept one hand pressed up against his back, not loosening up on her grip whatsoever, even as he stiffened.

"You're not pulling me into _anything_," Kensi whispered, moving forward to press her lips against his once more.

Her partner didn't lean in to meet her though, and the rejection sent Kensi's mind into panic mode.

She knew that he was second guessing himself, and wasn't okay with it whatsoever. Watching his eyes glaze over, mind clearly elsewhere, Kensi knew that she'd lost him, at least for a moment.

"But… I'm _broken, _and-"

"I don't think that you're broken."

Deeks shook his head, taking half a step away from her. Kensi didn't release though, but rather just held on tighter.

"We can't deny the facts, Kens. I don't wanna lie to myself about it."

Kensi slammed her eyes shut.

When everything suddenly became real, it seemed like Deeks was prepared to back away. She was definitely guilty of doing the exact same thing in the past, but that didn't make it hurt any less when it actually happened to her.

Kensi desperately tried to keep her voice stable, not at all shaky, despite the fact that she was a complete and utter mess on the inside.

"No, no no... just listen to me. Maybe you're broken, or maybe you're _not. _It's all a matter of perception."

He chuckled lightly, suddenly failing to make eye contact.

"What does that even mean?"

Despite the laughter, she didn't drop her serious expression. Kensi gently tipped his chin up towards hers, forcing Deeks to look at her.

"It means that even though you might believe that you're broken, I don't. When something's broken means that it can't be fixed, so you're just… _slightly damaged goods._ But I know that we can fix this, Deeks."

She paused, lightly tracing his jawline with the tip of her pointer finger. "And that alone should be enough to make you keep going."

Deeks was silent. Kensi could see him thinking though; she saw the wheels turning.

Regaining most of his confident stance, Deeks took a step forward towards Kensi, his body relaxing.

"Thank you. For… everything," he whispered, misty eyed. Deeks couldn't really stop the tears- when they wanted to come, they just _came._

"You're _trying,_ and I think that's exactly what I need_. _Someone to try."

Kensi nearly fell apart at the glaring vulnerability that was totally and completely evident in his words. Deeks just needed someone to _try, _so that was exactly what Kensi would do.

"Of course I'm trying." Kensi closed her eyes, breathing in his scent. "And I won't stop trying. Never will."

"Why?"

The question was unexpected, his tone soft and gentle. Deeks was clearly fishing for something, but Kensi hadn't yet been able to pick up on what it was.

She was far too caught up in his eyes and the fact that they had kissed_._ Again. _Finally._

"Because when you find _the one_… you never give up. No matter how tough it gets."

Their faces were close enough that she could hear Deeks swallow as he processed her words, taking in their worth.

"You think I'm the one?"

In a teary eyed stupor Kensi inhaled, her voice remaining just a breathy whisper as she answered the question.

"Yes."

There was a pause, and though it's length was short in duration, every second that Deeks wasn't speaking Kensi grew more and more apprehensive, wondering whether or not she should be regretting the last minute decision to speak her mind.

"Good to know," Deeks said, filling the silence and running one hand over Kensi's hair, a tiny smile creeping onto his face. "We're in agreement."

Kensi's heart rate slowed down, and she couldn't help but suddenly be calm and at peace in his arms. It must not have been healthy, she knew, how effortlessly Deeks could make her body's basic functions fluctuate at the drop of a hat.

In a lame attempt to cover it up Kensi furrowed her eyebrows, feigning confusion.

"We're agreeing on something? That sure is rare."

Deeks nodded, trying to stifle the urge to smirk. He couldn't.

"Good one Fern." He sent a quick wink in her direction. "So… we can assume that I'm gonna have to put up with this on a daily basis now, correct?"

There was no delay in her reply. "Yes, you are."

He shrugged, jetting his lower lip out in thought.

"I'm totally fine with that, just so you know."

Kensi felt like continuing to regain her cheekiness, so she did just that. Every time they joked with one another, it felt more and more like the old Deeks was coming back.

"That's good and all, but I never asked."

"And why is that exactly?"

"Because I would do it whether you wanted me to or not."

Deeks narrowed his eyes, pulling her just the tiniest bit closer, if that was even possible.

"Touché, Blye."

Kensi's heart rate skyrocketed again with just that one, tiny movement he made, but she wouldn't allow it to be apparent on the exterior- _or at least she tried._

Deeks didn't want to embarrass his partner by any means, but he found the little notion to be adorable and couldn't help but mention it.

"So… judging by how much your heart is pounding right now, I'm guessing that means you're good with _this_?"

Wiggling his fingers, Deeks motioned back and forth between their two chests.

Kensi blushed before she laughed, the sound genuine and happy. They were rather close to one another, so it made sense that Deeks would be able to feel the strong beating of her heart hammering against the shell of her body.

"I'm good if you're good, Deeks," Kensi said, glad she could find a way to incorporate her favorite little phrase into their conversation- the one that basically encapsulated the full progression of their relationship as a whole.

Deeks dropped the crooked smile, opening and closing his eyes slowly.

"I'm almost there. This certainly helped things."

Kensi's expression was sincere. "Good. How about a walk. Would that help too?"

Deeks only hesitated for a short moment. It was an improvement.

"Yeah, I'm sure it would."

Kensi moved in so she could kiss Deeks once again. He accepted, and the second time around everything was slower and timelier than the first, not at all frantic.

When they released, Kensi still didn't let Deeks put anymore distance between them. She wouldn't allow it.

"Good."

He smiled, and it wasn't at all forced.

"Good."

* * *

Kensi grabbed Monty's leash, pulling both him and his owner out the door, more than ready to experience the real world with her partner- it had been a long time. _Too long._

Their relationship with one another had taken a dramatic turn in only a couple of hours time, and Kensi was ready to see what things were like outside the confines of Deeks' house.

The air was thick and opaque. A blazing sunlight pierced Kensi's eyes as she pulled the door closed, unable to wipe the smile off her face, though there really wasn't any reason in particular for it.

They began walking down the porch steps and Deeks laughed as he caught her expression, unsure as of why he was doing it in the first place. He didn't mind though- laughing felt good, no matter what the reason. When Kensi wasn't there, it didn't come about regularly.

"What's got you all smiley?"

"Nothing really," she said, shrugging. "This is just… new. And I like it."

Deeks grinned, bringing one hand up to block his eyes from the sun as he pulled out his aviators.

"I like it too."

Actually, _like _was a bit of an understatement.

Even as he slipped on his sunglasses, Deeks' eyes still had trouble adjusting to the incredibly bright light.

"God, I feel like a bear coming out of hibernation."

She furrowed her brows, only showing half a smile at his joke- it seemed in bad taste to actually _laugh_ at something like that.

"Been stuck in your cave for too long?"

He shrugged, and Kensi would've sworn that she could see his jaw clench up. Deeks just glowered off into the distance, eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, something like that."

Although she was happy to be the one that got to pull him out, Kensi grimaced at his gruff reply, desperately wishing that they could avoid the topic altogether. It was still a touchy subject, no matter who brought it up.

Quickly though, Kensi shook her head and found something new to say. Moving on seemed like the best plan.

"How about we go down to the beach? Does that sound good to you?"

Deeks was glad she had something uplifting to ask.

"Sure... sounds great."

Kensi reached down and grabbed Deeks' hand, not giving him much of a choice in the matter. He was taken aback by the sudden move, but mellowed out rather quickly beneath her touch.

"Pretty quick on the trigger there, aren't ya?"

Kensi stuck her tongue out at her partner, and it was the first time things had felt moderately normal in quite some time. Except the hand that was being held in hers- that was still_ very _new, not normal in the slightest.

Deeks just shook his head, biting his bottom lip and watching his own feet as they continued walking_. _

Despite all the sadness, all the trauma, all the misfortune, and all the pain that had come their way over the past few weeks, Kensi was still being _Kensi, _and Deeks really couldn't ask for anything more.


	5. For the Love of Fern

**Thank you so much for all the love this story has been receiving- I hope to give it back to you ten fold! Please review as always! I love reading what y'all have to say:)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

Deeks and Kensi walked hand in hand towards the beach, neither person saying a single word. For a little while at least, the silence was comfortable and seemed fitting of the moment.

The sun was toasty as it beamed down from overhead, fiercely beating down on both of their backs. Kensi didn't mind though- begin outdoors and actually taking in her surroundings was something that hadn't come along too often with Deeks' abscense.

Even as they reached the beach, Kensi didn't want to stop walking. The slow and even pace that they carried was practically synchronized, and she didn't want the uniformity to cease by coming to a halt. Only did pause momentarily, just so she could slip off her shoes and stroll barefoot through the sand. Her partner didn't immediately do the same, and Kensi just narrowed her eyes.

"Come on, Deeks."

He chuckled and grinned at her tone, obeying easily and slipping off his sandals in one fluid motion.

Deeks stood up straight and somehow still managed to hold Kensi's hand again, keeping Monty's leash wound loosely between three fingers in the same hand that held his shoes.

Kensi smiled toothlessly at the gesture, pleased that he was suddenly the person most eager to show just the tiniest public display of affection.

"When was the last time you were out here?" Kensi asked quietly as they kept on a straight path, her feet soaked by sand and salty ocean water.

Deeks stiffened slightly, head held high. "I'm not sure. A week, maybe. Sometimes I'll just sit… try to find some clarity."

"Well… has it worked yet?"

He shook his head, one hand still held tightly in Kensi's but his eyes and mind drifting elsewhere. "Not really."

"Maybe you just needed some company?"

That simple and heartfelt sentence forced Deeks to look down at his partner, eyes wide and childlike as he smiled.

"Maybe."

When he turned away, Kensi found it easy to just glance down to the sand, a smile filling her face. Deeks caught the expression in his peripheral.

"You're doing it again."

Kensi laughed quietly in amusement as she eyed her partner, head still tucked. "Doing what?"

He grinned. "Smiling."

"Is that a problem?"

"No. Not at all. You're just doing it alot. It's a nice change."

"That's ridiculous, Deeks. I always smile."

"Yeah, _now." _

She shook her head, failing to deny the accusations. What was the point, really?

"How do you know that I haven't been grinning like an idiot every day for the past month? You haven't been around."

Kensi was being rather blunt in her delivery, but Deeks didn't seem phased by it.

"Touché. I guess you're right. This is new."

"And how would you know that?"

Kensi was clearly teasing, not anticipating any sort of an honest answer. But rather than joking around like he usually did, Deeks just changed his tone to a more serious one and made his point.

"The guys called me. They said that you weren't doing well."

She stopped walking, her dropped jaw clearly giving away the fact that she was floored.

"They _what?_"

Deeks stopped too, releasing his grip on Kensi's hand and awkwardly rubbing his neck.

"They called."

The fact that they had tried to reach out to Deeks wasn't what suddenly had Kensi upset, not at all- and Deeks had yet to pick up on that.

"And you _answered?_"

Deeks' mind suddenly caught on to what she was so upset about, and there was just silence. Immediately he wished that he could bite his tongue, or find some way to possibly retract his statement- but there was no way out.

"Well… yeah."

"That's nice," Kensi muttered, putting some distance between her and her partner while just rolling her eyes in clear aggravation.

Monty instantly barked as Kensi began walking away at a rather fast legged pace, voicing both his and his owner's displeasure about the sudden turn of events.

"Kens? Kensi just hold up for a minute!"

She didn't do as she was told, and instead just started moving faster. Kensi was misty eyed, but still just placed one foot in front of the other, cursing inaudibly to herself at her own inability to keep her emotions under wraps.

The crude language was no use though- Kensi really couldn't hide the fact that she was hurt, _badly._

Sam and Callen had called. They'd called, and Deeks had actually answered. He'd failed to pick up the phone when she'd been the one on the other end of the line, never even letting it ring out the full eight times. Usually Kensi would get his voicemail on the second ring, which meant that he'd declined it._ He'd declined her._

She wasn't going to bring it up before, but after learning that he hadn't shut everyone out-_ that it was just her,_ Kensi couldn't keep her emotions at bay.

"I called you, like,_ 50 times,_ Deeks! And you never picked up the phone. Not one freaking time."

He ran to catch up with her, and wasn't even able to get a word in edgewise. Kensi just kept going.

"You're not even close to them! But for god knows that reason, when they call, you pick up the phone. But not me- no, not your partner. Apparently in your mind, having some sense of concern over your predicament is just ridiculous. I care, and apparently that's a bad thing. And you know what? You could just say that you're sorry,_ for once. _You may have thought you were doing the right thing at the time, but it doesn't even matter, Deeks. Apologizing doesn't always mean that you are wrong and I am right. It just means that you value our partnership more than your ego."

"Kens!" Deeks exclaimed finally, grabbing his partner's arm and forcing her to come to a dead stop. "Come on! Will you just listen to me for a minute?"

The hurt and annoyance was still evident on her face, but Kensi complied regardless. She paused and folded her arms, jaw clenched tightly as she stared at her partner.

"I was just… trying to figure it all out. And I am sorry. Every time you called I thought about picking up- but I had no idea what to say. I wasn't alright then, and I'm still not totally alright now. But when Sam and Callen started calling I got worried. I thought it might have been about you, so I picked up the phone. But Kens- that's it. That's the only reason why I answered their calls and not yours. I was just worried about you. And for some stupid reason it seemed easier to go through them than getting the info straight from the source."

Kensi softened at her partner's expression, unsure how quickly she was allowed to forgive him.

"But still- you could've at least texted me. Let me know that you were still alive."

"Callen and Sam knew… I just assumed they would've told you. Did you ask?"

That was a dumb question- _of course_ she asked. She asked everyone, and she did it every single day. They never mentioned that they'd actually spoken to him though, quite possibly because of that reason. When she questioned them about her partner's well being, her query made it fairly obvious that the two of them hadn't been talking.

Unexpectedly so, Kensi felt something remotely resembling embarrassment wash over her. Had they all been talking about her for the past four weeks? Had she just been unknowingly wandering around OSP, while the entire team talked about her and Deeks' lack of communication skills?

"Yes Deeks, I asked. I_ always _asked." She shrugged, shaking her head and looking down to the sand. "But they never said a word."

He rolled his neck and folded his arms, visibly aggravated and not trying to hold it back whatsoever.

"I told them to tell you that I was alright, but that just I needed some more time-"

"I'm sure they just figured that, _eventually_, you'd get around to doing that part yourself."

Deeks smiled, hoping he'd be able to redeem himself. "I did though, didn't I?"

She narrowed her eyes. "No. I came over to your house and pried it out of you."

He grimaced at her blunt honesty. "Yeah. True."

Kensi figured it was about time to cut her partner some slack.

"But… regardless, we figured it out."

Deeks smiled- he could see her coming around. "We did."

"Just- don't ever do that again, okay? When I call, _pick up the damn phone."_

"I will," he replied, nodding and cocking his head to one side.

"So… _partners?" _Deeks asked, using his cuteness as a way to force Kensi into being on his side again.

She chuckled, her anger and annoyance taking a back seat. "I thought we were past that."

"Past what?"

"Just partners."

Deeks' face morphed into a crooked smile, the type that caused Kensi to momentarily stop breathing and force her heart up into her throat.

"Oh, right. I forgot that we've moved past that now. What label do you want to use then?"

She shrugged, unsure of how to proceed. No single title seemed fitting of their relationship, whatever it was turning into. Kensi furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, trying to come up with the best possible answer.

She had nothing.

"I don't know… what do you want me to call _you_?"

Truthfully, Deeks didn't know what to think either.

"We could stick with _partner,_ make it have a double meaning."

Kensi raised one eyebrow. "I don't know- that sounds like we're in some weird domestic union or something."

He bit his bottom lip to stifle a laugh. "True, true."

"How about boyfriend?"

The words came out rather eagerly, and Kensi was almost wishing she could take them back once they were just out there on the table, glaring back at her.

She wasn't worried for long though, as the smile that came over Deeks' face reassured her that she _hadn't _made a mistake.

"That sounds so juvenile."

"What's the alternative? _Man-friend?"_

"Ooooh. That's good. I like that, Fern."

"So… you're my man-friend and I'm just-"

"Fern." He grinned even wider, smugly placing both hands in his pockets. "You'll always be _Fern."_

"Right. Of course. So when we're meeting people, you'll say-"

"Hello, nice to meet you. This is my girlfriend, Fern."

There it was, the word she'd been waiting for. _Girlfriend. _

"I like it," Kensi said, quite chipper as she spun away and began walking the length of the beach again, her steps slow and wide.

Deeks quickly caught up and matched his partner's speed. "Which part?"

In Kensi's beaming smile, Deeks found his answer. Clearly she wasn't referring to Fern.

He nodded, reaching down to grab her hand once more.

"Me too."


	6. Discovered

**Thank you for being so great! I'm sorry that the updates are so spread out- my life is a bit crazy right now (in a good way) but I will still try to write every chance I get:) Please review as always!**

**-Hazel**

* * *

_"I like it," Kensi said, quite chipper as she turned away and began walking again._

_Deeks quickly caught up and matched his partner's speed. "Which part?"_

_In Kensi's beaming smile, Deeks found his answer._

_He nodded, reaching down to grab her hand once more. _

_"Me too."_

Kensi bit her bottom lip and grinned, eyes drifting down to her feet. Ripples and waves continuously flowed towards her, eventually breaking into foam as they crept up and washed over her toes.

As she took in her beautiful surroundings- the beach, Monty, and _Deeks, _Kensi made a mental note of that particular moment in time.

Life was good. _They _were good. And it was about damn time.

"You hungry, Kens?" Deeks asked, easily pulling Kensi out of her daze with a small smirk.

Kensi chuckled, giving herself the perfect amount of time to get her thoughts in order. "Starving."

"I should've known."

For a split second Kensi was insulted by his comment, but the crooked smile that Deeks was wearing showed her otherwise.

"Yes, you really should've. When will you learn that I'm_ always_ hungry?"

"You're right. It seems like that month without you proved to be rather damaging."

She swallowed, inhaling a deep breath. Kensi didn't want to be reminded of the time they'd spent apart, so she just decided that teasing him seemed like a much better idea.

"I'm sure it was. You can't live without me, I know that."

Deeks turned his head to look directly at her, making a point of meeting his partner's eye line directly. "We_ both_ know that, Kens."

_He can't live without me._

Kensi gasped quietly, hoping that somehow the little sound hadn't reached Deeks' ears. Rather than waiting around for an answer though, she just changed the subject.

"So…what's on the menu for today, partner? We could do fish tacos, burgers-"

"Is that even a question?"

"Right. Fish tacos."

Deeks laughed, and her smile involuntarily widened at the sound. Kensi hadn't even realized how much she missed hearing it until right then and there.

He released her hand, draping one arm effortlessly over both of her shoulders, and the ease at which he carried out the movement made it seem like they'd been together for years. Although it was false, neighboring bystanders were aloud to think it was true- neither person minded whatsoever.

Suddenly they were just being_ fearless_, and Kensi loved it.

"Good job. You know me so well, Fern."

Kensi snorted, glancing up to the sky and shaking her head.

"Of course I do. You are my _man-friend,_ after all."

* * *

Kensi wandered into OSP the next morning, and despite the clear fact that she was_ alone_ the agent happily said her morning greetings as she skipped over to her desk. It was the most chipper the guys had seen her in weeks, and turn in events was most definitely alarming.

Callen was the first to notice. "What's up with you?"

Kensi just furrowed her eyebrows, still keeping her beaming smile as she looked back and forth from Callen to Sam.

"I don't know what you mean."

"You seem happy."

She shrugged, looking rather taken aback though she completely understood where their concern was coming from. Kensi had been acting sullen and sad every single day for the past few weeks, and the change in her attitude was sudden, to say the least.

"I don't understand why that is a problem."

"You're just really_… smiley_," Sam chimed in, gesturing to his own face. "What changed?"

Kensi dropped her backpack down onto her desk, chuckling as she went. "Why does everybody keep asking me that?"

By 'everybody' Kensi only meant Deeks, but she still thought the title was fitting. He was her _everything._

"Because you never smile… at least not anymore. It's rare."

"Yeah- Sam's right," Callen said, nodding in agreement and resting back in his chair.

"Ouch! Okay, now that's just rude."

"I'm not trying to be insensitive… but the chain of events seems pretty telling. You took a personal day yesterday, and now suddenly everything is just_ perfect."_

Kensi wasn't giving details up that easily. "What's your point?"

Sam narrowed his eyes. "Something happened. I just can't figure out what it is."

She just chuckled again, quickly sliding into her seat and adjusting the stray papers that sat out on her desk.

"I have no clue what you're talking about- the two of you are officially _losing _it."

Sam laughed, sitting forward in his desk chair. "Just wait until Deeks gets back. He'll help us figure it out, no doubt."

Kensi's heart rate skyrocketed at the mere mention of his name, her face clearly mirroring the shock that her body was feeling. She didn't say a single word, so both Sam and Callen immediately understood that they'd struck a chord with her.

"Did you see Deeks?" Sam asked, almost eager as he sat forward in his chair. "Is he coming back?"

Kensi just remained stagnant. She had seen him, yes, but when it came to the second question... things were different. Her partner had never actually given her a real answer, though she'd asked.

"I think so… but we'll see."

Callen nodded, immediately knowing the reason for Kensi's change in attitude. "So... you went and saw him?"

It was definitely more of a statement than it was a question, but it still required an answer. No longer was there any reason for Kensi to play coy, so she just tossed her hands up in the air, defeated.

"Yeah, I did." They were silent, which gave Kensi a fleeting chance to remember something that Deeks had told her the day before. She wasn't going to let them question her until she got everything out there on the table first.

"Deeks told me that he talked to you guys."

Sam piped up, his voice carrying a strong, lingering sense of urgency. "Well, we, um-"

"You didn't say a _word." _As she processed her own thoughts Kensi's tone changed, becoming rather aggravated. "I always asked if you'd heard anything from him, if you'd talked, but you never mentioned any of it."

Neither Callen nor Sam could say or do anything that would successfully refute her statements, so Kensi just went on.

"What was your plan? Were you just gonna keep lying to me every time I asked about him? Or did you think telling him that 'I wasn't doing well' was a better idea?"

Kensi just leaned back in her chair, arms folded and eyebrows raised.

"We didn't want to get in the middle of it," Callen said. Although he tried to hold some ground, the words still sounded uncertain, even as they exited his mouth.

Kensi laughed, exasperated. "You '_got in the middle of it' _by telling him that I wasn't doing well, and then proceeding to _not_ tell me that you spoke with him!"

"We were trying to stay out of… your _thing," _Sam added, unsure of how much information to give away. He didn't want to embarrass her if it wasn't totally necessary.

Kensi's cheeks turned pink at the mention of that little phrase, but she sat up straight, trying to but on a brave front.

"What thing?"

"I mean… we know that you two have some issues you need to iron out."

On the exterior Kensi was acting as if the little bits of information that they continued to spew out at her were insignificant, but on the inside she was going into full panic mode.

"What_ issues_?"

Then suddenly... _embarrassing her was totally necessary. _

Callen leaned forward across his desk, his voice a loud whisper. "Look- we know that he kissed you, okay! We know about it. All of it."

His words were effortlessly successful in silencing her immediately. A million different emotions flashed across Kensi's face- shock, surprise, horror, deceit, anger, and embarrassment, each one staying only briefly before leaving again to make room for the next.

"How… how do you-"

"We _all _wear earpieces, Kens," Sam said simply, not at all accusatory in his delivery. "And they're_ all_ connected."

Kensi didn't know what to think or how to feel, truthfully. On one hand, the fact that Sam and Callen already knew about them and their 'thing' made everything easier- they wouldn't need to have some dramatic sit-down _'we need to tell you something' _meeting.

But in that moment, Kensi wasn't thinking rationally. All her mind could process was the idea that the team had known about them for weeks, and hadn't said a single word.

In a frantic, red-faced attempt to find some clarity, Kensi blurted out one particular question that was suddenly driving her mad.

"So.. does _everyone _know?"

Her voice was lowered to a whisper, one that was barely audible across the length of the bullpen.

Sam glanced over to Callen, and she could see them communicating silently, without any spoken words. So before Callen even piped up, talking in a rather subdued tone, Kensi had already gotten her answer.

"Yeah… they know."

She couldn't breathe.

They knew. _Everyone _knew, and they'd been walking on eggshells around her for weeks because of it. Kensi thought Nell would've been loyal to her, first and foremost, but even someone who she considered to be a best friend had left out that one, game-changing piece of information.

Above the anger, above the rage, and above all else- she just felt _humiliated. _So though it may have seemed like a completely ridiculous thing to do, Kensi stood up, threw her bag over her shoulder, and stalked out of the bullpen, making a b-line for the front door.

"Kensi! Don't leave- _Kens!"_

Callen's voice was totally unsuccessful in slowing down her pace as she walked towards the door. After _that, _Kensi just need to get out of that place.

Having an inkling that something was remaining unspoken between the members of their team was pretty easy to manage, and brush off as just being paranoid. But knowing for _certain_ that her suspicions had been correct all along was totally different.

She wasn't sure whether or not being with Deeks would make things better, but in that moment Kensi didn't see how things could possibly get any more awful than they already were.

They had been planning on grabbing lunch together anyways, so he would probably be expecting her. She'd be about four hours early, but Kensi didn't even care.

Unexpected or not, she just needed_ Deeks._


	7. At the Seams

**I can't believe it's been a full week since my last update! My apologies- I have four stories going at the exact same time, which makes everything a bit tricky. Still, I promise I will not neglect this one! I hope you enjoy this chapter, and please review as always:)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

Kensi rapped her fist against the hard wooden door once, twice, and then a third time- just for good measure.

She heard footsteps shuffling about inside, along with a muffled, "I'm coming!" which became increasingly louder as Deeks approached the door.

He was shocked to see Kensi on the other side- clearly he hadn't been expecting her. Regardless, Deeks was all smiles as he greeted his partner, a cup of coffee in hand.

"Hey! Aren't you supposed to be at OSP? I thought our lunch date wasn't for like-" He glanced down to his wrist, checking his watch. "-four more hours."

Kensi just kept a cold hard expression, not saying a word until she had fully crossed the threshold into Deeks' house so she could stand in the entryway.

"They know."

The statement was simple enough, maybe _too _simple. Deeks wasn't catching on.

He turned around, pulling the door closed behind him. "What are you talking about?"

Kensi folded her arms, widened her eyes and jetted her neck out, hoping each individual movement would assist in proving her point.

"They _know, _Deeks. They all know. And they have for a long time."

Her tone was easily beginning to give away what she was referring to.

"You mean-"

"Yup."

Deeks still completed his sentence, despite the interjection. "-they know about _us_?"

Kensi nodded slowly, unsure of exactly how to feel. She wasn't yet able to gage Deeks' reaction, and she wanted to see his before she would completely deliver her own.

"But… _how?"_

Kensi smirked, raising her eyebrows until her forehead was completely creased. She thought the answer to his question was rather obvious.

"Oh- the kiss?"

Kensi took two steps towards the couch, stopping once she reached the coffee table.

"Sam said that they '_all wear earpieces_,' and that _'they're all connected.'_"

Suddenly, Deeks just looked to be protective above all else.

"Wait- were the guys giving you a hard time about it? Because that's_ really _not okay with me."

Kensi cocked her head to one side, narrowing her eyes. "No, they were merely stating the facts."

Deeks scratched the back of his head, ruffling his already messy blond hair. "So… I guess it's all out there now. We don't have to tell anyone."

She stuck her hands in her pockets, rocking back on her heels. "Except Hetty."

Deeks snorted as he sat down on the armrest of his couch, taking a quick swig of coffee. "Come on babe. If they know, she knows."

_Babe. _He called her babe.

That one simple word was her undoing. At least for a moment, Kensi didn't care that the team knew. She didn't care that Hetty knew. It didn't matter that she'd felt totally and completely _humiliated _back at OSP.

Kensi was with her partner, and he wasn't upset or crying or in pain. He looked calm, well rested and_ happy. _

She couldn't ask for anything more.

"So… are you gonna call me babe now?" Kensi asked, her mouth curving up into a small smile.

Deeks shrugged, bottom lip jetted out. He was playing coy with her, but hidden just behind his cool exterior was a crooked grin.

"Only if you want me to," he said quietly, taking another sip of coffee and in return giving himself the chance to watch her reaction.

Kensi shook her head and barely chuckled, clearly trying to internalize it.

"I thought I was just Fern."

"Oh, don't worry," he whispered, flagging her off with a quick flick of his wrist. "You'll always be Fern. And I'll always be your man-friend. _Babe_ is just yet another good nickname I can keep in my repertoire."

Kensi kept on smiling, tucking a small section of hair behind her left ear. There was a brief silence, one that Deeks felt obligated to fill.

"Or, ya know… _'my sweet'_ works too."

Kensi grimaced, voicing her disgust for that term of endearment.

"How about _no."_

"You sure? I always liked that one."

"Why? Because it got a reaction out of me?"

"Not exactly. It just got us talking."

"Talking about what?"

He didn't hesitate, not even for a second.

"Our thing."

Kensi's mouth dropped open just a hilt, her head snapping up straight. It was indisputable- over the years, calling her those silly little nicknames had easily given them a reason to discuss their 'thing'- although they had little or no idea what it even was at the time.

Scrambling for something witty to say in reply, Kensi eventually pulled herself together.

"I thought that I was _'so not your type_.' Remember that, Deeks?"

He sipped his coffee lazily, forcing Kensi to wait for a response.

"Yes, I do. But then you told me that you were _'totally my type,' _and after awhile I realized that you were right."

Kensi stuck her nose up in the air, feigning pretentiousness. "I usually am, if you pay close enough attention."

He loved it when she did that. When she started to act just like him.

It proved that the large amount of time they were spending together wasn't just affecting Deeks in a positive way.

"I'll let you have that one, sure."

Kensi looked down to her lap, chuckling.

"What's funny?"

Deeks hadn't caught the joke, if there was one.

"We're getting off topic again."

"Yes, we tend to do that quite regularly."

Kensi sighed, finally ready to discuss about what she'd come over to talk about in the first place.

"I can't figure out why you aren't worried about all of this… like I am."

Deeks chuckled, tucking his head. "They were bound to find out eventually. I wasn't going to keep it a secret forever- were you?"

Kensi began to wonder if she was overreacting to the situation. Her subconscious was feeling indecisive though, and failed to give her a direct answer.

"No, not at all. But…" Kensi looked up from the floor as she realized why their reactions were so insanely different. "Oh, of course. You weren't there."

"What do you mean? Did I... miss something?"

Kensi felt like saying, _"Hell yeah! You missed a lot! You were gone for a whole damn month!" _But she decided in the end that it would probably be inappropriate to do so. Taking a gentler approach seemed like the best plan.

"Yeah, kinda. I mean… everyone was just so _weird _to me when you were away. I couldn't figure out why exactly, but I just assumed it was because we were all still a little shaken up after what happened with Siderov."

Kensi closed the distance between herself and a recliner that sat opposite the couch, sinking into it and throwing her feet up on the coffee table.

"It was more than that though… Nell kept shooting me these looks, and same with Eric. The only difference was that he wasn't as discreet about it as she was- he'd just stare at me, wide eyed until Nell finally punched him in the arm."

Deeks smiled. "Sounds about right."

He clearly missed his teammates, Kensi could tell solely by the look on his face.

"Are you coming back?"

She had a tendency of being blunt, sure, but that question was still able to catch Deeks off guard.

"Yeah."

"When?"

He laughed. A heart stopping sound that immediately took Kensi into her '_for christ's sake how the hell are you so goddamn attractive?' _state of mind.

"You seem pretty eager to get me back."

Kensi tossed her hands up in the air, allowing them to fall lazily back to her lap.

"Of course I'm eager! I want my partner back."

"You have your partner. He's sitting right in front of you"

Deeks wasn't trying to make any sort of a skewed implication with that comment, he was simply stating the truth. He was, in fact, sitting on the couch across from her.

"You know what I mean. It's not the same without you there."

"I'm sure. Sam and Callen don't get your sense of humor like I do."

She paused, eyes narrowed. "Should I be insulted?"

"Nope."

The answer was simple enough, but it still seemed to be efficient in clearing things up for her.

Deeks took another sip from his cup, which was almost running dry by that point.

"Can you stop flaunting that coffee? It's not cool," she muttered, arms crossed firmly across her chest.

He laughed into his mug, taking one more sip. "You really are in a _lovely _mood today."

Kensi placed one hand over her heart, showing her partner a dramatic display of annoyance.

"Don't be an ass. I had a rough morning at OSP, and you weren't there to make it better."

Deeks couldn't decide whether he should have felt guilty or simply be flattered by her comment.

"I really am sorry about that. Do you want a cup?"

Kensi showed him a toothless smile, nodding eagerly as her eyes grew wide.

"Yes, _please. _I haven't had a single drop of coffee today.I've been trying to wean myself off of caffeine."

With one eyebrow raised Deeks stood up from the couch, making his way towards the kitchen.

"How's that working out so far?"

Kensi followed him, plopping down on a barstool as he raced into the pantry, searching for coffee filters.

"About as well as you'd expect."

She couldn't see his face, but a smile was evident in Deeks' voice.

"Ha! Yeah, you seem a bit temperamental today."

Deeks wouldn't be able to view her expression, so rather than glaring like she usually did Kensi just smirked, eyes drifting up towards the ceiling.

"Shut it, Deeks."

"See? This is what I was talking about."

He reemerged with a box of coffee filters and a smug smile.

"So... how would you like your coffee? Black, like you feel on the inside?"

Deeks looked _way _too proud of that joke.

"You're messing with me, I know you are. I have _every_ right to be worried about this."

He smiled, pouring coffee beans into the machine.

"Sure you do."

"Don't play that card with me."

"What card?"

"You're being _smug."_

"Aren't I always?"

Kensi sighed. "Come on. Do you really think I'm overreacting about all of this? Because if you do... then you're wrong."

He pressed brew, dropping the bag of coffee beans back to the counter.

"You know, I'm glad my girlfriend isn't blunt about how she feels. That would be_ so_ annoying to deal with."

She smiled at his use of the word _girlfriend-_ Kensi enjoyed the sound of it far more than she'd ever care to admit.

"You can be a tool sometimes," she said, still grinning.. That was how things always went between the two of them- they insulted one another _lovingly._

"And you're a pain in the ass. But I'm still here, aren't I?"

Kensi couldn't be annoyed- she_ knew_ he was right. But admitting it was never going to happen.

"Yes, you are."

Deeks nodded, dropping a kiss to her forehead on his way to the kitchen sink.

"Exactly. Now Fern- finish up that coffee while your _manfriend_ does the dishes."


	8. Whatever Comes Next

**You guys are wonderful, as always! What else can I say besides I love your beautiful faces? Not much. Please keep reviewing, they never fail to make me smile! :)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

_"You can be a tool sometimes," she said, still grinning.. That was how things always went between the two of them- they insulted one another lovingly._

_"And you're a pain in the ass. But I'm still here, aren't I?"_

_Kensi couldn't be annoyed- she knew he was right. But admitting it was never going to happen._

_"Yes, you are."_

_Deeks nodded, dropping a kiss to her forehead on his way to the kitchen sink._

_"Exactly. Now Fern- finish up that coffee while your manfriend does the dishes."_

They sat just like that for awhile, quiet and subdued while Kensi sipped her coffee and Deeks did the washing up. She didn't mind the relaxed atmosphere, she enjoyed it. Relished in it, actually. Watching him work was fascinating, in a strange way.

Kensi just kept her eyed fixated on his back, desperately desiring to know what was going on in that mind of his. He was back to acting like his old self- cheeky, succinct, charming. His mannerisms were always fun for her to observe.

But Kensi still had this nagging feeling that something just wasn't quite right. She couldn't fight the inking, as it was _always _there, never disappearing entirely from the back of her mind.

Persistently it lingered, coming up at the most unexpected of times. It was as if whenever Deeks seemed completely back to normal, he'd just go into reverse- like his own mind didn't want him to heal.

There wasn't any sort of a major giveaway to the outside world- nobody other than Kensi would notice it, she was sure. But for her, it was fairly easy to spot.

Sometimes, when they were talking, his eyes would glaze over and she_ knew_ that Deeks was back there with Siderov.

It was chilling, really. The expression on his face was _blank, _as if his entire soul had somehow been extracted from his body.

Deeks was a master at hiding his emotions though, so all Kensi had to do was cock her head to one side and quietly whisper his name in order to pull him back to her.

Right then, as he rewashed a dish for the_ third time_, she knew it wasn't because of the OCD. Deeks was going back,and Kensi hoped to save her partner before he lost himself yet again.

"Deeks?"

He cleared his throat. Only a moment passed before Deeks turned around completely at the sound of his name- eyes wide and innocent. He was trying to cover it up, she knew that all too well.

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

He shrugged, knowing that he'd been caught. That was exactly what Deeks _didn't _want- for Kensi to worry.

"I'm fine."

Kensi swallowed hard, furrowing her eyebrows. She wasn't believing him, not a single word.

"What's goin' on in there?"

"In where?"

"Your head." She tapped her right temple for confirmation.

He chuckled, but Kensi could easily tell that it was strained.

"Well, _that's_ a pretty loaded question-"

"I'm not kidding, Deeks."

Upon exhaling he folded his arms, his expression morphing into a more somber one in a split second. Awhile back, Deeks had promised her that he'd take things more seriously. And although quite a lot of time had passed in the interim, Deeks was going to keep his vow to her.

"Okay."

She waited for him to elaborate. _He didn't._

"You gonna answer my question?"

Deeks shrugged, leaning back against the sink. "I honestly don't know what you want me to say right now."

Kensi leaned forward across the kitchen island, folding her hands together. He'd given her his answer, just by the uncertainty in his voice.

"Talking about it usually makes it easier. Or so I've heard."

She didn't say what 'it' was, but Deeks clearly knew what Kensi was referring to. His jaw clenched up and he glanced down to the floor, eyes skimming the entire kitchen before eventually returning to focus on Kensi.

"I'm not really sure that I wanna do that. Reliving it... it isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Her eyebrows scrunched up. "Who said it was supposed to be fun?"

He just shrugged. _Again. _

"I dunno. Sometimes, just the way they show it in movies and stuff... it's so _fake._ People go to the therapist and it's all over. It's done. They move on like nothing ever happened. And I... I just-" Deeks paused to stare at his toes, terribly sheepish. "I just want it to be like that. I want it to be over, because it _is. _I know it is."

Kensi honestly had no clue what she was supposed to say to that. Luckily for her, Deeks jumped in, finishing his thought.

"I'm fine. This is stupid." He rubbed his scruffy chin, shaking his head as if the small, minute movement would be affective in clearing away the past two minutes of conversation. "It's over now."

His eyes were wet, but Deeks somehow still managed to show her a smile. It was half-ass and strained as hell, but it was the best he could manage. And Kensi knew it all too well.

"You don't have to do that around me, Deeks."

"Do what?"

Even after all that time, his attitude regarding the situation never failed to baffle her.

"You don't have to pretend like you're okay. I know that you're not. You try to fake it, and sometimes I think you forget how well I really do know you."

Deeks looked up from the floor, his features softening once he noticed the tears that were teetering on the brims of her eyes.

"Kens... it was all supposed to be done when you found me."

His words broke her heart. Honestly- they just shattered it into a million pieces.

It wasn't just the statement that hurt her though. It was his _tone._

Deeks' voice cracked and quivered as he said her name, and Kensi couldn't help but feel as if she'd been taken back in time to the short exchange they shared back at OSP, right after the torture. That day... she didn't want to go back.

But, regardless, Kensi couldn't escape it. The look on his face was almost exactly the same; his tone of voice practically identical.

"Maybe," she said, exhaling a shaky breath. "But life doesn't always turn out exactly how we expect it to. Sometimes you just have to deal with whatever comes next."

He closed his eyes for a long moment. "I just want it to go away. Things are great and then _this _happens. I don't want you to have to put up with this Kens, I honestly don't."

Kensi didn't like the sound of what he was saying- something in his voice was effortlessly successful in setting off a warning bell inside of her.

Unsure of exactly how to offer up a reply, Kensi just fidgeted where she stood, slipping her hands in the pockets of her jersey sweatshirt. "Really? You're worried about _me _right now? That's crazy. I think I'm the least of your concerns at the moment."

He sighed- it was heavy and easily reflected his internal sentiments. Deeks was done with the memories, he was done with the flashbacks- he was just _done. _

His silence gave Kensi a chance to think, and only a minute or so passed before she was ready to voice her thoughts.

"What if you talked to Nate again? That could help."

He scratched the back of his head, clearly uncertain. "I don't know..."

"You could just give it a shot, Deeks. If it doesn't work then _it doesn't work_, and we'll move on. There's a ton of things you can do, but I think Nate-"

"Kens." Deeks exhaled, trying desperately to remain calm, as he knew that her only intention was to help.

"I've already tried it. We talked, okay? We did."

She was taken aback by his blunt tone- almost insulted but trying hard not to be. "Well-"

Kensi's phone began to vibrate, stopping her before she could say another word. It was Callen, and just as she lifted her hand to hit the decline button Deeks was already speaking up.

"You should probably get that."

She didn't want to let a pause into their conversation, but the large eyes and raised eyebrows that Deeks was shooting her proved to Kensi that she didn't have much of a choice in the matter. Even if she declined the call, he was done talking.

"Fine."

Kensi spun around, her tone gruff as she answered the phone. "Hey G."

"Oh! Hey! I wasn't, um... I wasn't expecting you to pick up."

She was already aggravated, and Callen's inability to say what was really on his mind just intensified the feeling.

"Yeah, but I did. So _talk."_

He cleared his throat, bracing for an attitude. "Okay, well we have a case. So you kinda need to come in."

She clenched her jaw, glancing over to Deeks in the kitchen. He looked curious, but was remaining completely silent. Kensi absolutely despised the fact that she was going to have to leave him on even mildly bad terms. It just felt _wrong_- but she had to do her job.

"Fine. I'll be there in ten."

She clicked the phone off, not providing G with even a fleeting chance to reply.

"Work beckons?" Deeks asked, his tone proving to be rather impartial.

Kensi nodded. "We can talk about this later."

She didn't need to elaborate. He knew what she was referring to.

"Um... okay. Fine."

Kensi strolled out of the kitchen, grabbing her bag from the couch.

"I'm probably gonna have to work through lunch, Deeks. But I'll call you tonight."

He nodded, giving her half a smile. "Okay."

Kensi swallowed, walking backwards until she reached the door.

"Okay."

As she stepped outside and pulled the door closed, bright rays of the midday sun beating down on her face, the tears just came on their own accord.

She hated leaving him like that. So raw, so emotional. And with her gone, Deeks would have to deal with it all _alone._

But Kensi needed space; maybe some time to think. Conversations like that practically replicated ones that she'd with Jack, and it was like going back in time, except the memories she was reliving weren't fun. They were moments that she'd prefer to erase from her mind completely.

Deeks was slipping away from her, slowly but surely- and there was no way Kensi would stand by and let it happen.

She knew it would _crush _her.


	9. Invisible Scars

**You guys are soooo amazing to write for! I love you all- please review as always! :)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

She never called.

The house seemed oddly quiet in Kensi's absence, as it was just Deeks left alone with his thoughts. She had strolled out the door with a quick and quiet 'okay,' promising to ring him up later.

_But she never called._

Deeks wasn't sure if it was because she was mad, upset, hurt, or a tumultuous combination of all three. So he'd spent the evening seated on the couch, contemplating every possible option he had.

_Should I call her? Should I leave her alone? Should I call up Nate?_

The final question left a lasting impression on his mind. That _had_ to be it- Kensi's reason for leaving him all alone. She wanted him to talk with Nate.

He wondered if she was playing the _'I'm not gonna call until you get your act together' _game. An unspoken ultimatum of sorts? Possibly.

But it didn't seem like Kensi, honestly. She was straightforward and real- that was what he loved so much about her. She _never_ broke her word.

Deeks leaned his head back against the 'cat pillow' on the couch, an item that, of course, reminded him of the first dinner date they'd shared after the abduction: _cronuts, chinese food, and love stories._

Deeks missed her. He did, and he wasn't going to deny it.

A strange loneliness lingered throughout the room, and as Monty jogged up to his feet, a tennis ball lodged in between his two rows of teeth, Deeks just couldn't be bothered to get up.

"Not tonight, boy," he said quietly, scratching under his favorite rescue mutt's chin. "I'm gonna call your momma."

The words escaped Deeks' lips without a second thought, and his eyes immediately grew wide at his own voice's certainty. Kensi was his girlfriend, but he wasn't sure if that qualified her to be Monty's 'mom' just yet.

Nevertheless, he'd said it.

And Deeks didn't mind the way it sounded.

Before he could read to far into it Deeks pulled his cell phone from his pocket, pressing the first number on his speed dial: Kensi. He didn't know what he'd say if she actually picked up, but Deeks assumed that he'd just figure it out as he went along.

One ring, then two, then three, then four, and finally five...

No answer.

He dropped the phone down to rest on his thigh, defeated and confused. Okay- maybe Kensi had been right all along.

Maybe, _just maybe_, there was a different phone call he needed to make.

* * *

"He's gonna be wondering why I didn't call, Callen," Kensi muttered, her tone furious as she sat beside her team leader in the challenger. Her anxiety was evident as she tapped one foot against the floorboard. "I _promised_ Deeks that I'd call."

Once she arrived at work that afternoon, Kensi hadn't said a single word acknowledging the little tiff she'd shared with Sam and Callen before storming over to Deeks' apartment.

_Not a word._

It was best to ignore it, pretend like it never happened. Things were the way that they were, and she just had to get over it.

The team knew. _Big deal. _Just as Deeks had said- they were gonna find out, sooner or later.

Sam had asked if she was 'alright', and Kensi just gave him a stiff 'yeah,' failing to elaborate. She wasn't too concerned with them, honestly.

All she cared about was Deeks.

They hadn't left on the best of terms, and not having the ability to ring him up was making her visibly anxious.

G dropped the pair of binoculars he was holding down to his lap, rolling his eyes in the process. "He'll be fine, Kens."

She shook her head, _pissed off _and not caring who knew it. "He's gonna think that I'm mad at him."

"Just tell him that you were working. It's the truth, and it seems like a pretty valid excuse._ He'll be fine_."

She despised the nonchalant way in which he was brushing her off, and desperately wanted to throw it back in his face- but Kensi had no ammo.

For the most part, Callen was right. They were keeping watch on a club that Sam was working undercover in, and couldn't risk blowing his cover by making any phone calls that weren't absolutely necessary. Kensi didn't understand the rule- frankly, she thought it was some bullshit that Callen was using to keep her from calling her partner.

She had _no idea _why that would be, but there was just something in the way he talked about Deeks that didn't feel right.

"I don't want him to be _upset, _G. That's all."

"Why would he be mad? You're his girlfriend, not his babysitter," he uttered, his tone clipped.

That one little comment just about sent her over the edge. "Why are you being such an ass?"

Callen chuckled, and it was the most snarky sound she'd heard come out of him in_ quite_ a long time. "I'm not trying to be an ass. But we're working, and there are rules we have to follow."

Kensi inhaled tensely. "Fine."

G still hadn't caught onto the significance of her predicament. "Why is it such a big deal, anyways? I think he'll understand."

Kensi just swallowed, picking up her binoculars without another word. They'd argued, but she didn't want to talk about it.

At least not with him.

He caught on rather quickly though, and spoke up without a moment of hesitation."Ohhhh, I see. Trouble in paradise?"

Callen was trying to joke around with her, maybe lighten the mood. She knew that.

But it didn't matter. She still wanted to kill him.

"We're fine, G."

Kensi wasn't going to tell him that her partner was still having trouble with his PTSD, as the last thing she wanted was for Deeks to be sidelined from the field when he finally came back to work. She knew that Callen was easily the toughest person on their team to deal with, and that he wouldn't hesitate to tie Deeks down to his desk if he wasn't completely mentally sound.

"It doesn't really _sound_ like you're fine."

She couldn't tell if he was jealous of_ their _happiness in particular, or just jealous of anyone who was _happy. _Maybe the basic, fundamental idea of being around a happy couple was nauseating to him? It seemed like a valid possibility.

Callen was her brother. So he should be thrilled for them.

_Should _being the operative word.

"Well... I don't care how it seems to you, G." Kensi was still annoyed that he'd waited _months _to tell her that the entire team knew about her and Deeks' little kiss, so laying the pressure on wasn't at all difficult. "Deeks and I are happy, okay? So you just get to deal with it."

Callen nodded slowly, eyes narrowed. "Okay."

She wasn't sure what he meant by that. Hell, she wasn't sure what _any_ of it meant. G was just so awkward sometimes, Kensi couldn't get a read on him.

Staring out through the binoculars, she rolled her eyes once again. From the looks of it, Kensi seemed to be searching for a notation of some kind- except the agent wasn't actually keeping watch like she should've been. Kensi was just thinking, her mind reeling.

She suddenly regretted a million things, things that she couldn't take back. Kensi wished that she hadn't left Deeks on such a poor note. She wished that she hadn't challenged him so much, as he was clearly having a rough day.

In short, Kensi just wished that she could be with him.

_Soon enough, _she told herself, checking her watch. _Soon enough._

* * *

It was late, but she didn't even care. Kensi wasn't going to sleep if she didn't see Deeks, and that was just a fact.

She'd called seven times in total- twice as Callen drove them back to OSP, twice as she walked out to her car, and three times on the drive to Deeks' house.

He hadn't picked up, and she couldn't tell if it was because he was annoyed at her or if he was just asleep. The clock was just about to hit midnight, so she assumed his reasoning behind rejecting her was the latter- but it worried her regardless.

She rapped one fist on his door, almost timidly. Kensi hated the idea that he was mad at her. _Hated it._

Knocking only got her so far, so she resorted to calling out his name. "Deeks?"

Nothing.

"Deeeeeks?"

A few footsteps, and a muffled voice. _Finally. _

"I'm- I'm coming!"

Kensi took a step forward, trying to smile as he swung open the door. "Hey, Deeks."

He swallowed, yawning and running one hand over his face. "Hey."

"Did I, um, wake you up?"

Deeks shook his head, ruffling his hair in the process. "Oh, no. Just a little nap."

It was clear that he'd been sound asleep, but she didn't call him out on it.

"Can I, um-"

She pointed into his house, causing Deeks to practically jump aside, motioning for her to come in. "Yeah! Please!"

Kensi gave him another small smile, nodding. God, it was just _so _uncomfortable.

And she didn't have the slightest clue why.

_"I'm sorry, Deeks-"_

_"Kens, I should apologize-"_

They both began to talk at the same time, each person pausing as they spoke over the other. Furrowed eyebrows and two very confused expressions were passed from person to person.

_"What are you sorry for?"_

_"Why are you sorry?"_

They spoke in unison. _Again._

Deeks smiled wide, enjoying the interruptions far more than he should have. "You first."

He figured that Kensi should be the one to get the floor, as she had just shown up on his doorstep in the middle of the night.

She scratched the back of her neck, staring down at the hardwood floors.

"Well... I was gonna call you earlier, but Callen wouldn't let me."

He chuckled, cocking his head to one side. "Excuse me?"

"We were on a stakeout. No personal calls."

"I'm your partner. Since when does that qualify as a personal call?"

"Since my partner took a leave of absence and became my boyfriend."

"Oh... right."

He didn't say 'touche,' and it caught her off guard. "Anyways... I'm sorry about earlier. I- I was out of line."

Deeks shrugged, both hands in his pockets. He wasn't being rude or smug, nor was he blowing her off. Instead, Deeks just seemed at ease.

"You weren't."

"I wasn't?"

"Nope."

She waited a moment, folding her arms and hoping for some additional statement. Deeks took the bait.

"I'm sorry for brushing you off earlier, because you were right. And I did what you said. I... I called Nate."

Kensi widened her eyes, unable to formulate a proper sentence upon hearing his new revelation. "You... really?"

Deeks bobbed his head up and down, shrugging yet again. "I'm gonna see him tomorrow. I think it's time."

His expression was rather grim upon stating the last sentence, lips pressed together into a firm line.

"I mean- that's a _good thing, _right?" Kensi asked. She couldn't decide why he looked so_ sad_ at the possibility of it.

"Yeah, it is, I guess. But thinking about rehashing everything, it's just..." He trailed off, wincing and dropping his gaze down to the floor. "It's not gonna be fun."

"No. It won't be." Kensi's inhaled sharply, taking two steps towards him. "But I'll be right here, waiting for you when it's all over."

"You will?"

"Of course."

Deeks sighed, resting his hands on the small of her back. "I'm sorry about earlier. So... thank you. For being here, with me, through all of this."

Wrapping both arms around Deeks' neck, Kensi reciprocated his gesture with a smile.

"Always."


	10. Enemy Within

**Thank you for the copious amounts of love and support, I am incredibly blessed to have readers as amazing as you guys! Getting the feedback is what makes the hours and hours of writing worthwhile, so I thank you.**

**Please review as always! :)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

A loud, bloodcurdling scream.

It rang out in the darkness, immediately forcing Kensi awake. She reached for her gun in the bedside table, heart pounding from the piercing sound.

Once she came to complete consciousness, it took only a matter of one or two seconds for her to realize that the sound had come from inside the very room she'd been sleeping in.

_It was Deeks. _

He thrashed around beside her, face wet with a glossy sheen of perspiration.

"Deeks," she stated. Her voice quivered but she tried to remain calm and reassuring, rather than panicking him further.

"You're just dreaming. I'm right here."

With fumbling hands she reached over and turned on the lamp, her eyes somehow finding a way to quickly adjust to the light. As she rotated her body towards him, there was yet another scream. They continuously grew louder and louder, more terrified as time went on, and Kensi just couldn't seem to pull his mind out of the daze it was trapped in.

"Deeks!" She reached out, grabbing one of his hands and weaving her fingers between hers. "I've got you."

The thrashing stopped, heavy breathing following close behind. His eyes shot around the room, and it was evident in his face that Deeks was panicked and uncertain of his own surroundings.

"Hey, hey hey- it's_ okay._"

It wasn't really, but she still said it regardless.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she watched his gaze focus in on her features. Kensi hated that it was taking more than just a split second for his intellect to come back into reality.

He'd seemed worse on that particular morning, definitely- empty eyes, a stiff back, defensiveness. But she hadn't expected anything like what she was receiving, and nothing could've prepared her for it.

Kensi had never seen Deeks truly _cry _before. Even right after he'd been tortured she hadn't seen more than a single tear escape his eyes. She'd watched him get emotional- but that was it. She'd never seen him like _that._

Hurt, scared, sad, frustrated, and unable to hold any of it back.

Deeks broke down completely before her, his voice fading in and out of loud sobs as he tried to speak, but no actual words would come out.

She pulled his shaggy mop of blond hair close to her chest, holding on tightly with both hands.

"Shhh, Deeks. I've got you."

Tears welled up in Kensi's eyes as he just _continued _to cry, even louder once she brought his face close to hers.

For weeks and weeks it had been building up inside of him, and Kensi saw all of the accumulative pain whittled down into that one single moment.

She wondered if it was like this every night for him, as this was the first time she'd been there, by his side to watch it all unfold. Kensi assumed that it was rather naive of herself to think that it only happened when she was sleeping beside him.

He'd had to go through it, _alone, _with nobody around to wake him up and tell him that it wasn't real. That it was all a dream.

Pulling him closer still, she winced at the thought. Maybe Deeks had spent every night like that for weeks, but had never told her? Maybe he just didn't want her to worry?

Kensi's heart tore at the possibilities, each one making her shudder even further.

Deeks stiffened as he heard her sniffles, pulling away slightly so he could push himself up in bed. "I'm sorry, Kens."

She couldn't bear to hear him say those words to her, as it wasn't _right. _He had absolutely no reason to apologize. Deeks had hardly any control over his mind, or the dark places it traveled to as he slept.

"Don't say that."

He shook his head, running a hand through his messy hair. "But I am, and-"

"But you shouldn't be," she interrupted, tapping the bottom of his chin so his eyes were looking directly into hers. "I'm fine."

"You're crying."

"Yes, but I'm fine. _You're _the one I'm worried about," she whispered, eyes dampening more and more with the passing time.

"How long has this been going on?"

"The nightmares?"

She couldn't tell if he was simply exhausted or diverting away from the point.

"Yeah. How long?"

Deeks was silent for a long moment before finally speaking, his tone hushed and solemn.

"Awhile."

Kensi understood _exactly_ what that meant.

She should've known. She should've assumed that when he'd told her that he 'didn't sleep much,' it was because of the nightmares.

_So she should've known._

Kensi shook her head slowly before burying it in her hands, unable to stop the tears that flooded into her eyes and clouded her vision. Blaming herself for it all was irrational, but she did it regardless. He was her partner, her _person_- she was supposed to watch out for him. To keep him safe. To always be there, having his back, just like she'd promised.

And despite having already recognized the problem that morning, Kensi still believed that she might have been too late.

That she'd _failed._

"I'm so _sorry,_ Deeks... I-I should've-"

"There was nothing you could've done," he stated, his voice cracking.

"I want to help, Deeks. I want to make it all better, I want the pain to go away…" Kensi exhaled and closed her eyes, desperately hoping that she'd find the strength within herself to make the tears subside.

"I'm trying so _hard_ to figure this out with you."

"I know you are, Kens."

Deeks wrapped his partner up in a hug, pulling her close. Kensi buried her head in the crook of his shoulder, allowing the tears to flow and dampen his tee shirt.

"I'm going to keep trying," Kensi whispered, her voice muffled. "Whatever it takes."

Deeks closed his eyes tightly, swallowing in her ear. "Whatever it takes."

He repeated her words, taking solace in them. It may have seemed like Deeks was just holding Kensi in that moment, when in actuality they were _both _being comforted by one another's presence.

A voice, a whisper, a single word. It all accumulated, and it all helped the both of them recover.

Kensi was upset, but only because she utterly despised seeing him like that. Deeks was hurting, but despite knowing and understanding where it was all coming from, there was nothing concrete she could do to help.

This was different than anything they'd ever faced before. She couldn't help him like a partner normally would- swooping in at the last minute and saving the day.

No, this was different. _He _was different.

So right then, sitting there with him was where Kensi came to the realization that he hadn't been 'slipping away' from her at all, as she'd previously hypothesized.

No- Deeks was traveling back in time, and he'd been trying to find a way to mask it for weeks. His plan had clearly been unsuccessful, and in the back of his mind he'd known all along that it would be.

As it stood, Kensi was a difficult person to hide_ anything_ from, no matter what it might be. But his little secret was on a completely different level of importance.

Deeks should've known that it would be utterly impossible to keep it hidden from her. Kensi was his _girlfriend_, as well as his partner, which meant that it was bound to come out eventually, even if he tried to cover it up.

It was fairly evident that Deeks' mental images of the torture were still there, waiting to flood back into the forefront of his mind and takeover whenever they pleased.

He couldn't get through a single night without slipping back to that room- dark, desolate, quiet, lonely.

In an odd way, it was almost worse reliving it the second time around. When he'd been in the midst of it, Deeks could convince his mind to leave his body. He'd forced himself to become detached from the situation, and had taken himself out of the equation entirely.

But now that everything was good again, the memories would pop up and interrupt him at rather inconvenient times. Happy moments of smiles and laughter, _ruined_, as each was cut short by screams and power drills... along with a flurry of other thoughts.

The good and the bad mixed together, so distinguishing one from the other had become a trying task.

_Electric chairs. Sam. Gunfire. Hetty. OSP. The box. Kensi. Callen. Nell. Eric. Nursery rhymes. Grocery lists. Kensi. Kensi. Kensi._

No single thought completely tied into another, and it made Deeks feel like he was beginning to lose his grasp on reality. Slipping away was a terrifying idea, as it was possible that he might never come back.

So in that moment, quiet and secluded, Deeks decided to tell Kensi the truth.

"It feels like I'm losing my mind," he whispered, watery eyes laced with fear.

Kensi slowly lifted her head from his shoulder, still keeping both hands wrapped tightly around his back.

She wasn't letting go- in more ways than one.

"You aren't losing your mind."

Kensi didn't have an explanation for everything- Nate could try and provide that when they met. Her job was to support him, not to try and provide reasoning as to why a million thoughts were dancing around his mind all at once.

"It sure as hell feels like it."

"Well, _you're not." _She huffed defiantly. "Losing your mind means that you're crazy... and you're definitely not crazy."

"I'm a little crazy," he said, giving her half a smile.

Kensi tried her best to return the favor. "Maybe. But not really."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"How what?"

"How can you be so sure?"

Kensi sighed, brushing back his hair with one hand. "Because I'm here, and I'm not gonna let you 'go crazy,' or lose your mind. Not even for a second."

Deeks nodded, and he suddenly looked so _small, _like he was just terrified of the unknown.

His eyes wandered away from hers for a moment, but Kensi wouldn't let them stray for long.

"Remember, Deeks- _whatever it takes."_

He swallowed and looked up to show her yet another smile, the second one much more genuine than the first.

"Okay. Whatever it takes."


	11. Whatever It Takes

**New chapter! Yay! This one took me quite awhile to write, as it can be pretty tough to scaffold and get 'just right.' I am a perfectionist, so it's just how I am! Anyways, I hope you enjoy, and please review as always! :)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

He was losing it.

His mind or his grip on reality... Deeks wasn't entirely sure which. But it was definitely one of the two.

That nightmare had been an exceptionally bad one, but it was certainly not the first that made his skin crawl and his mind spin. Those types of dreams were easy giveaways that his PTSD wasn't going away on its own- the mental images just kept coming back.

Deeks knew that it wasn't looking good.

That had been an particularly rough night for him, no doubting it. Kensi had fallen back asleep after another hour or so passed by, but Deeks hadn't been quite as lucky. His mind was racing yet again, and the thoughts just wouldn't stop coming- which meant that Deeks didn't catch another wink of sleep that night.

It was partially on purpose, partially involuntary. He didn't want to go back to that place, simply for fear of slipping into another nightmare.

The dreams were always exactly the same- _each and every one_.

He was back with Siderov. Deeks could just see the corner of the drill in his peripheral vision, and watched as it inched closer and closer to his face.

That was usually when the screaming began.

For the most part he was able to startle himself awake after the same storyline played out two or three times, becoming increasingly violent as time went on. He was more than grateful to have Kensi sleeping beside him, as she'd pulled him out of the darkness just as the drill hit his teeth for the first time.

And before another night sleepless night could pass by, he was going to _fix it. _If not for himself, than for Kensi.

He would do _anything_ for her.

So the next morning, as Deeks came to full consciousness around five, the detective knew exactly what he had to do.

He didn't want to get out of bed, not in the slightest. Kensi's head was resting on his chest, her breathing slow and even as she slept. He gently brushed the hair away from her face so he could kiss her forehead, closing his eyes and pulling her in close. Deeks knew he had to go soon, but spending five extra minutes lying there with her wasn't going to hurt anything.

Leaving a note on his pillow seemed like such a cliché of sorts, and definitely not something he would usually do. It didn't matter though, as Kensi would worry endlessly if she woke up to find that the sheets beside her were empty and cold. That was the very last thing he wanted.

Deeks eventually pulled himself out of bed, gingerly moving Kensi's head back down to rest on her pillow, rather than his chest. Jogging into the kitchen he pulled out a pad and pen, jotting down only a few short lines, ones that would easily explain his absence.

He tiptoed back into the bedroom and dropped the letter onto his pillow, being sure not to make any quick or sudden movements that might pull Kensi out of her dreamworld. She was so adorable first thing in the morning that it made walking away from her pretty damn tough- but Deeks knew he had to do it.

As he pulled the front door shut behind him, watching the sun peak out above the horizon, Deeks was actually glad that she hadn't woken up. Walking out the front door alone was much easier than the alternative.

She would've been standing by the front bay windows, staring out as he left and anxiously awaiting his return. With the early appointment time though, Kensi would most likely just be rolling out of bed as he returned home.

Nate hadn't minded meeting him at such an early time, not at all. He'd just been pleased that Deeks was even agreeing to do it in the first place.

They'd met on the beach before, so that was where they were going to talk the second time around as well. The boat house just seemed so _stuffy_, like he was being interrogated or something.

But Deeks wasn't a suspect in some case they were working. No, he was just a guy in desperate need of some help.

Going to see Nate sooner would've helped, maybe. He had no way of knowing though, and playing the 'what-if' game didn't do him any good.

Deeks just had to charge on, and hope that the damage done wasn't irreversible.

* * *

He'd arrived early.

It took him ten minutes or so to drive there, rather than the usual twenty. Deeks tended to forget that LA traffic wasn't typically that congested before the sun had risen to its full height in the sky.

Rather than waiting in his car, Deeks returned to almost the exact spot he'd sat in previously- right where the ocean tide met the sand. He nervously tapped one foot, uncertain and unsure of what to expect from his and Nate's impending conversation.

Talking about it could help. _Maybe. _

The thoughts and mental images that swarmed around in his head weren't really ones that he wanted to share with the outside world, but keeping it all pent up inside clearly wasn't doing him any good. Turning to the only alternative, _talking, _was his best bet on making some kind of improvement.

"Deeks?"

The never-ending stream of worried thoughts was cut short as Nate appeared, standing over his shoulder.

"I thought I was early," Deeks muttered, twiddling his fingers in the sand.

"So did I."

There was only a momentary pause in between his two phrases.

"You finally getting some sleep?"

Deeks swallowed, tilting his head from shoulder to shoulder.

"Yeah, some."

"You don't sound very certain."

Nate's face wasn't visible, but the worry was evident in his tone.

"Well… I'm not."

"Are you having nightmares now?"

Deeks finally hopped up off the ground, eyes wide as he turned to face Nate.

"How did you know?"

Nate shrugged, nonchalant in his delivery.

"They usually come after everything slows down a bit. Once you finally get your mind to stop racing… it means you can actually _process _everything."

"It's not easy."

"It's not supposed to be."

"That's exactly what Kensi keeps trying to tell me."

Nate wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion, tilting his head to one side.

"Aren't you still on leave?"

Deeks awkwardly scratched his scruff, realizing exactly what he's just implied.

"Well, I, um-"

"You realized what made your partnership different from the rest."

His tone wasn't accusatory, just matter-of-fact. Nate was making a statement, not asking a question.

Deeks nodded slowly, gazing out towards the water. He sighed heavily, almost smiling.

"Yeah, I guess."

"You guess?"

Deeks chuckled at his persistence. "Fine… _I know_."

Nate nodded, clearly waiting for something more, but Deeks failed to make any additional remarks.

"Okay..." He said, extending one hand out. "Care to share?"

"Share what?"

_"The difference."_

Deeks bit his bottom lip, mind racing. This information would be going straight to Hetty, but he didn't really have anything to loose. The entire team already knew, and he was sure than if Eric Beale knew about the kiss, than Henrietta Lange did as well.

"Well… It's a love story."

Nate's mouth fell slightly ajar, his eyes wide. The sincerity in Deeks' voice wasn't lost on him, not even the slightest bit.

After a long pause he finally cleared his throat, searching for the perfect response.

"Um, I mean… wow. It's… it's a love story."

"It is."

"You're sure?"

"Positive."

"Does she know?"

That was where Deeks' answers became slightly less exact.

"Sorta."

"Sorta?"

"Yeah."

"What does that mean?"

"I haven't exactly told her that I love her yet. But… I think she knows."

"So I'm assuming that you two are…" Nate trailed off, narrowing his eyes. "…together?"

Deeks wasn't ashamed to state the truth.

"Yes."

"She's made things easier for you?"

"Uh-huh."

Deeks' face automatically lit up when he spoke about her, a twinkle apparent in both eyes.

"She's… great. Really great. I couldn't do it without her, honestly."

"Does she know about the nightmares?"

Deeks nodded slowly, squinting as he looked out at the two or three surfers that were riding the ocean waves. He truly hadn't realized how much he missed being out there until he saw others taking his place; it had been_ months _since Deeks had even gotten his toes wet. He thought about taking Kensi out that afternoon, just to her share in his first experience back on the water. They could bring Monty and have a picnic and-

"Deeks?"

He snapped his head back around to face Nate once more.

_'Focus,' _he told himself. '_Just focus.'_

"She knows. She's seen it all firsthand."

Nate lifted his eyebrows, waiting for Deeks to elaborate. That time, he actually took the bait.

"Last night. I guess I was screaming… she woke me up."

"Saved you from yourself?"

"That's a more dramatic way of putting it… but yeah, she did."

"And then she wanted you to come and talk to me?"

Deeks wondered what the point was in Nate even asking him questions. The man certainly seemed to have it all figured out, possibly more so than Deeks.

"She did."

There was a silence, one that Deeks waited for Nate to fill- _but he didn't._

"So… any advice for me?"

Nate nodded, shrugging. "Tell her."

He seemed pretty sure of himself, but Deeks wasn't exactly catching on.

"What are you talking about?"

"Tell Kensi."

_...That you love her. _

The words weren't added, but the implication was strong enough for Deeks to get the message, loud and clear.

"How, um-" Deeks cleared his throat, cutting the sentence in two. "How do you think that's gonna help?"

Nate shrugged again, staring out at the water.

"Well... from what I can see, that's all you have left to do. Everything else is in order, really. Maybe the lingering uncertainty is hindering your mental improvement?"

Deeks knitted his brows, thinking over Nate's words as he spoke.

"I'm sorry that I don't have any sort of a magical cure for you. I really wish that I did."

"No, no." Deeks shook his head, smiling. "I think that she's more than enough to get me through."


	12. Okay

**The final chapter is here! I appreciate all of the love and support more than you could ever know, it has been an incredible run. Thank you so much for all of the reviews and comments, I love you ALL! :)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

Kensi yawned loudly, stretching both arms out over her head as she came to consciousness. The rising sunlight streamed in through the shutters in Deeks' bedroom, piercing her eyes.

"You know Deeks, you could try getting some blackout shades or something. I doubt that you're ever able to sleep in past six..."

She trailed off after rolling over, hoping to find her partner but instead only feeling empty bedsheets beside her.

"Deeks?"

Kensi furrowed her eyebrows and pushed herself up in bed swiftly, heart pounding. The last time she'd seen him, he'd been a crying mess- and now he was gone. She found the chain of events to be undoubtedly disconcerting.

After a moment of silent panicking, Kensi's eyes caught on a small folded up piece of paper, which was resting on Deeks' pillow. She grabbed it quickly, flopping back down against the bed to read.

_Kens,_

_I'm gonna go meet Nate for a little while, but I shouldn't be gone long. Thank you for being there for me last night. _

_(Whatever it takes.)_

_- D_

Her breathing evened back out and she smiled, pushing herself up in bed. Kensi had no way of knowing when he'd left her the letter, so he could be returning any minute.

Anxiously she hopped out of bed, walking hurriedly towards his bathroom. She paused upon entering, suddenly realizing that she'd brought absolutely _nothing _with her when she'd come over the night before. No toothbrush, no hairbrush, no change of clothes. Hell, she'd even ended up sleeping in one of Deeks' tee shirts.

Keeping in mind that he could possibly be annoyed with her for snooping around in his drawers, Kensi pulled the top right one open _very_ slowly, as if it was rigged to explode at any given second.

A perfectly organized razor, toothbrush and bottle of toothpaste all sat perfectly parallel to one another in the drawer. She smiled at his OCD tendencies, glad that they were coming back into play.

Slamming it shut she moved onto the next drawer, which contained a plethora of various haircare products and a brush.

"Hair by pillow- yeah right," she muttered to herself, snorting with laughter. Kensi secretly wondered if he ever actually used them though, as his hair always seemed so natural and fluffy.

She shook her head at her own thought, pulling the third drawer open without a moment of hesitation. Oddly enough, there was nothing inside except for a single folded up slip of paper that sat in the center. It looked oddly fishy to Kensi, and she just stared at it for a long moment, unmoving.

Reading it could be a violation of his privacy. Maybe. Probably._ Definitely. _

But they were together, and she couldn't think of a reason as to why he'd care.

_What could it be, anyways? _

She bit her bottom lip, grabbing and unfolding the piece of paper without another thought.

Kensi's knees nearly buckled as she read her name, which had been scrawled out at the top in Deeks' messy penmanship. She couldn't take her eyes off of it, honestly.

So, as Kensi slowly and gingerly lowered herself to the ground, she began to read.

_Kens-_

_I don't know if now is the right time to say everything that's on my mind, but I need to let it out somehow. Maybe I'll give this letter to you one day, or maybe I'll just tell you? I'm not sure right now. Either way, there are a few things that you need to know, things that I should've told you a long time ago._

_I kissed you, but you already know that. It's kinda redundant for me to say it again. We haven't talked about it, or brought it up yet. We also haven't spoken for quite awhile, so that could be why. But for some reason, I can't help but think that, even if we were around each other more, we still wouldn't have acknowledged it._

_You were so sweet to me back at OSP- caring, compassionate. I know that you were trying, I really do. But I just wasn't in the right mindset to actually deal with any of it yet. I think I am now. I don't know, honestly. I'm just torn. __  
_

_I want to see you more than you could ever know, and I want to answer your phone calls- so please don't think otherwise. I just don't want you to see me like this. _

_I can't think straight, and if I try to talk I'm not sure what's gonna come out. It feels like I'm losing it. _

_More than anything, I just hope that this isn't the end. It can't be. _

_I hate the way everything turned out between us. I hate that I haven't spoken to you for three weeks, and that I can't sleep or shut my eyes without thinking about that last talk back at OSP. I was trying, and I know that you were too. But then suddenly, you wanted to help me and I couldn't bring myself to let you in. _

_God, I'm such an idiot. And I'm sorry._

_I thought that sneaking away would fix everything, or make the bad memories disappear. Needless to say, nothing's really any different. I'm a bit scruffier, but that's about it. I still wish you were here, I still need you, and I still love you. _

_None of that has changed, and I know that it never will._

_-D_

Kensi gasped upon reaching the end, the tip of her finger tracing back over his words. A single tear fell from her eye, leaving a drop of salty water on the note, smudging a word or two.

He loved her.

She'd had her doubts in the past, understandably so.

But this was _concrete. _A declaration, one that she had in writing.

Kensi rested her head back against the wall, her heart racing. A million different thoughts were dancing around in her mind at once, and she just couldn't bring herself to separate them out. All she could see was the _letter._

She stared at it's exterior, noting the large amount of folds and creases, as well as the multitude of crossed out lines. It clearly hadn't been written in one sitting, and her heart tore as she saw a mental image of him on the couch in his apartment, desperately trying to get the words right.

He could've called. Talked to her. Told her how he felt.

And the idea that he'd been sitting on those feelings for so long easily broke her apart.

She'd waited to tell him how she felt as well, so they were both to blame for the delay. It didn't matter though- Kensi had hated it just as much as him, if not more.

The overwhelmingly large concern for Deeks' well being had been practically debilitating during that lengthy time without him. She'd wanted to see him, to know that he was okay. Hell, to know that he was even _alive. _

And all the while, Deeks had been wanting her just as much as she'd been wanting him.

They'd begun to communicate, their skills vastly improving- but Kensi still wondered if it had all been enough. If she'd really told him enough, talked to him enough, been there enough.

Then, it suddenly dawned on her. Hit her like a ton of bricks.

_Kensi had never told Deeks that she loved him._

It had been implied when she'd told him that he was 'the one', but a verbalization was still required to make it undoubtedly true. Kensi just _had _to let him know, especially if everything he'd said in that note proved to be honest.

With limp hands she held it closer to her face, skimming the paper with damp eyes. Kensi read aloud a couple of lines in particular, ones that made her smile rather than cry.

_"None of that has changed, and I know that it never will."_

Oh, what was she kidding herself. That _easily _made her tear up.

Kensi was far too lost in her own world to notice the sudden reappearance of her partner, who was just standing in the doorway, paralyzed as his eyes caught on the note in her hands.

"Hi," he uttered breathily, eyes wide.

Kensi jumped, a quiet, almost hiccuping cry escaping her lips as she saw him. She honestly couldn't bring herself to say anything, but luckily for her sake it was unnecessary.

He pointed at the note before scratching his scruffy chin, stumbling over his words.

"Y-you found it."

Kensi swallowed hard, her eyes misty as she slowly bobbed her head up and down.

"Yeah."

Deeks sunk to the floor beside her, not allowing any distance to remain between them.

"And you read it?"

She nodded, smiling and wiping the tears from beneath her eyes with the edge of her shirt sleeve.

Deeks did the same, lifting one hand up to flick a couple of stray water droplets off her cheeks.

"I love you, Kens."

She chuckled, her heart rate picking up speed. "I can tell."

He smiled softly, turning his head on it's side.

"You're very intuitive."

"I am."

She creased the letter in the same way it had been folded previously, turning it over in her hands before bringing her eyes up to meet his.

"It's not the end, by the way."

Deeks didn't need any sort of verification for what context she was speaking in.

"I know."

She stared back down to her lap, fidgeting. "It never will be, Deeks. I... I love you too."

The moment the words escaped her mouth, she was happy with them. Exceedingly, positively, absolutely _thrilled _with them. The statement floated around in the air, staying long after actually being spoken aloud.

Deeks tapped one finger beneath her chin, forcing Kensi to meet his gaze. It was strong, fierce, caring and _loving. _

He moved in to kiss her without another word, the movement slow and even. For Deeks, kissing Kensi was different than kissing anyone else. It was magical. Ethereal. Invigorating and exhilarating, all at the same time. They loved each other, and were finally _admitting _it.

The significance of that moment wasn't lost on him.

Deeks pulled away slowly, his baby blue eyes beating into her hazel and brown.

"I'll love you 'til the day that I die, Kens. No doubt in my mind."

That one simple sentence was her undoing. Kensi shuddered, tears filling her eyes once more as she nodded.

"Good. So don't ever _leave_ again, okay?"

He nodded, a smile creeping onto his features.

"Okay."

Kensi grinned, the expression crooked and clearly reminiscent of the smile that he'd shown her so many times before.

"Okay."


End file.
